Life in the Desert

pieces of me?

2009-05-13T21:04:00.000-07:00

little pieces of me, out there on the Internet.
old emails that are still active, receiving junk mail, and having absolutely no "human" action.
Networking sites that I've signed up for by accident when someone "accidentally" sent me a website (to one of my emails that are still actually working).
One tiny little website that I designed when I was in college. I was in-between classes and in the language lab. I really should have been donning the headphones and practicing my Japanese, but I was using one of the library computers just to fart around on the Internet. Being that it's 1998 or so, the Internet (as we know it) was relatively new. I signed myself up for an email address and was checking out all the little extra do-dads and so I joined a Yahoo group called Geocities and made my own little website using some html templates they had (much like myspace is now). So i named it, can't remember what I named it. All it really did, was, it had this background of cherries, and there were little monkeys all over the place. I spent hours on it, actually.
I never tried to find that webpage again. It was one of those things I did and left, I don't even remember what I called it. Or how to get back. I never really tried to get back, after the fact. Forgot about it, prolly. It pops into mind often enough. Monkeys and cherries, what was I thinking?
"What am I thinking now?"
"Tacos"

Miss S. requested, "A story, before long."

2009-05-12T22:19:00.001-07:00

wallet story- forever stamp.

"Hey, what's that stamp doing on your laptop?"
"Oh, that's when my wallet was found after lying for nearly a year on the side of the road near Bisbee. We were taking a motorcycle ride one sunday, and we rode out to the Old Timer's bar with some bikers from the American Legion. It was a beautiful day for a ride and I took loads of really cool pictures from the back of the motorcycle and of course had a few beers at the bar. And on the way home, I decided to take the camera out of my bag and take some pictures. As I took the camera out of the bag, the wallet must have come out of the bag. I only noticed when I was going to put the camera back, and the camera case was also missing. (yeah that was me, digging around in the back of a bag on a motorcycle)."
"But you said it was found a year later?"
"Ya, a couple of months ago. I get this sheriff at my house. The Mr. is really wondering what this is all about so he walks right up to her. She asks for me and he tells her I work at Tombstone High. So this kid comes in my class with a note. All it has is the number on it and the kid spits out its from the sheriff. So I call up the sheriff and I have to call a bunch of different places cuz noone could find the wallet or the report number and everyone was going "This number is the wrong size for our case numbers, you'll have to call so and so." It's rural, of course so nobody really knows what's going on at all. Anyway, I finally track down the person with the wallet.
She was a really bizarre lady. She got all mad at me because I hadn't turned up when I'd said I would. But here I was. She made us wait about 25 minutes while she had someone "bring it up." At least there was a neat little display case of artifacts, old guns and mining material, and photos of all the sheriffs of Tombstone going back to 1879. Sheriff Johnny Beehan, who tried to prevent the shootout at the OK corral by claiming to the Earps he had, "Disarmed those cowboys," was among them.
Inside is my CSUN school ID because I still carried it at the time. Even though I look less and less like that photo every year, it doesn't actually have an expiration so I can always get the student rate for tickets. Of course my licesnse and all the credit cards were missing, including a gift-card to Marshall's they had give me when I quit that terrible school in the city. I never even knew how much that was. And cash, of course. And some random assortment of grocery store discount cards. Among the useless, but interesting items was a soggy and muddy check- checks are useless to steal anymore, apparently, and a couple of ancient looking stamps."
"So that's what that stamp is on your laptop."
"Yep, that's my forever stamp. Cuz that's the first wallet I ever had come back to me. The Mr. had one come back to him after a very long time once. His was better than mine. We found it underneath the mattress in the bedroom. Still had all his credit cards, his ID's, cash, everything."

rewind

2009-04-25T18:24:00.000-07:00

so as a bonus for signing up for satellite television, we also get eighty or so xm and sirius channels included. Which comes in handy when you just want to put some background on without too much talking.
So last night I played a station called , "90's on 9." And I thought, "Well I suppose I really am a child of the nineties." because every song took me somewhere I'd been already. Life is SO short. Never say, "NO!"
So then the Mr. puts on "80's on 8," and I realize that while on the cusp, I am also a child of the 80's. I know Martha Quinn. I know why "Video Killed the Radio Star." and I know Jon Bon Jovi will always be there for me.
I am what I am. And so GLAD of that!

ever had a real dream?

2009-03-19T20:00:00.000-07:00

not a realistic dream. I mean a real dream. Like where you can't tell if you're awake or asleep and the dream follows you into reality.

Sometime in the night I had this dream that my nosering fell out. Not all the way out, it was still halfway in. I woke up making the action of putting the stud back into place. The bizarre thing is that I wear a bone... OK I need to explain that.

This is NOT what I am talking about...

A nose bone is a nose stud all in one piece. See that little ball at the end? It doesn't come off.

That means I had to push that little ball through the hole in my nose until it popped out the other side. Ouch. And it bled.

So my point is that my jewelry IN NO WAY shimmied out of my nose in the night. But I remember that it did.

But that's just one example, I have loads of memories that I am not certain whether they are dreams or not. Some of these memories are not plausible, like my childhood memory (I do class it as a memory) of my dad putting duct tape on his hands and feet and spider walking across the ceiling. Pretty sure that was a dream. But my dreams are so clear, so real... semses, colors, emotions. I so often dream of mundane things, real things, like I'm somewhere else doing these things instead of in my bed asleep.

I've also had nightmares where I am stuck in the same dream like nesting dolls. Always in the dream I am in the actual room I'm sleeping in, only some detail is not right. Something small, like furniture out of place. Then something happens, like a bookcase falling on me, and I wake up in bed. Only I'm still in the dream and I don't know it until I get out of bed and notice something else out of place and something scary happens again. In these cycle nightmares I usually end up in the same room 5 or more times before I wake up for real, by this time not sure I'm really awake.

Sometimes I have these dreams about water. It's either a tidal wave coming and I can't get the people off the beach fast enough; or I'm driving in a car on a freeway bridge and the road goes down into the water; or I'm on a boat and it's sinking. Then I have a dream where I'm under water and I can't hold my breath any longer so I breathe the water and I'm amazed to realize I am able to breathe underwater. Maybe it's because I'm a fire sign.

I used to have flying dreams when I was a kid. Now I have falling dreams.

Fortunately, nothing so bad as Dali.

But I should write down my dreams. Maybe I should write horror.

Check out a really cool LIST about dreams

I am a myspace "stalker"

2009-03-18T19:58:00.000-07:00

OK so I admit it. I stalk people I don't talk to much anymore. I also IMDB people I went to high school with and wonder why I am sitting in a trailer in Arizona instead of going to awards shows and having my picture taken somewhere else than in a bar.
Than I remember why I didn't go that route. The easy answer is because I wanted this. I wanted a husband and a house and a cat. So I convinced myself that I didn't want to be famous, that I didn't have the drive. But maybe I did. Who knows? Maybe in the next life I will make that choice. But that means there is a reason I'm out here. There IS a reason why I'm doing what I'm doing. I guess I could convince myself that I'm here to be a great counselor and help some people. Maybe I've already helped some people as a teacher... I don't really know. You never really get to find that out...
Well I did teach a 17 year girl how to read. She'd never been in school because her mother was an alcoholic and had kids to run the ranch. I did teach her to read. That's something.
Maybe I'm just burnt out, but I'm also scared. The economy is heading toward a depression and I'm spending another fifty grand on higher education? I'd probably do better just quitting school now and getting another bar tending job. I'm so scared that I'm going to quit my job to do my internship and then there will be nothing there for me.
Then I hear that with the economy in the tank counselors are actually seeing more work than ever. And the war's not going away, sadly enough I'll have plenty of kids with PTSD around. I've started a women's group for those in relationships with guys with PTSD. I didn't realize at the time, but there is nothing for the women who have to deal with someone else who just came home who is not quite unlike their husband. Many, many marriages fail after a deployment. I am working mainly with women in the age range of Vietnam, but hoping to get some more, soon. There's a lot out there I can do. It takes the same energy that I would have put into headshots and auditions. I guess I have the drive after all- hell anybody that can work full time, pull grad school full time, be married to a Yorkshireman and still have time to take care of a horse must have drive. I guess I'm doing OK.

Eat Drink and be Gorgeous

2009-03-18T14:31:00.000-07:00

So my little sis came to visit last xmas. On the way home from the airport, I picked up a copy of a book she had brought to read on the plane. While mom was driving home, I flipped through the pages and soon fell in love.
The author is Esther Blum and I cannot be bothered to copy down all of the initials after her name at the moment. It's basically a nutrition guide for modern girls and provides beauty and eating tips for the girl on the go- especially tips to stay beautiful without breaking the bank.
I am only now reminded of the book as said sister just mailed me the sequel, which is less of a book and more of a reference.
anyway go here if you want more info. It's fabulous!

I am so effing fed up of forwarded emails.

2009-02-22T15:48:00.000-08:00

I can't understand the mentallity of some stupid people that can't stop sending really stupid forwarded emails. I just got one apparently from chris angel and it was some stupid horrorscope that if you didn't forward it you would get bad luck. what kind of stupid people believe in this shit? are you kidding me? chris angel is nothing more than a good illusionist. he is not genius, he is not supernatural. he is good at what he does, and his job is an illusionist. get the f**k over it kids, he makes a living out of fooling people. I have made a bit of a habit out of checking out all my junk emails on snopes.com and replying to the idiots that sent them to me with the real facts. I just can't stand junk mail, I never got into chain letters, I don't do friendship bread, and I don't effing forward lying crap on the internet. What is exactly the point of scaring people who otherwise would lead normal, boring lives? I myself would like if people would just keep to their own effing business. basterds.

weird dream

2009-02-15T18:39:00.000-08:00

I had a nightmare last night that I was starting a new class and I couldn't find any materials, all my books were missing because someone was replacing all my books with "Miss Arizona" displays that looked really more like Catholic Shrines. The kids were in the classroom and they had nothing at all to do and I had nothing for them. I am not entirely sure that I even knew what class it was.

blogging and other things

2009-02-14T21:05:00.000-08:00

I am unusually impressed by the words chosen by the blogger system. When I arranged myself an anonymous email address, the security word was a nonsense word. The blogger words all follow spelling rules. That has got to count for something! the last word I had began with the letter "Q." and the immediate follower of that letter was "U." perfect grammar. brilliant. and I would suspect all the blogger security words follow spelling rules, even though some of them are not, strictly speaking, words in their own right.
Just an observation, actually.

Philantropy and freshman girls...

2009-02-03T18:32:00.000-08:00

Ok so every teacher at my high school has a homeroom. The neat deal is that each teacher gets the same homeroom for as long as the kids are in high school. They are grouped according to class and sex, I got freshman girls. At first, I was like, "eeew!" but they have really grown on me.

One of the girls' mother works for a non-profit counseling center in the area and the group would like to raise money for a speaker to come give a free talk to parents of kids with disabilities.

So were throwing a car wash on a Saturday in a couple of weeks. I am still trying to convince the girls that it is not OK for 14 year-old girls to wear bikinis on public roads. Ah, I do so love them.

creatures of habit

2009-02-03T18:15:00.000-08:00

So I went to Ross this evening on my way to study group to look for some new jeans (got three new pair, and two shirts for $60! I love Ross. I am going to name my kid Ross).

anyway I went into the fitting room to try on my items and I chose a fitting room. When I shut the door, I realized I was again in the same room I always go into. I don't do this on purpose, I don't have some kind of OCD about fitting rooms, and if someone was there I would choose a different one. but I always choose the same one. I always make a right turn and take the second door on the right. I know I always do because there is a sticker stuck to the inside of the door.

So I began to wonder what else I do out of habit that I don't have a little sticker to remind me of. I am pretty sure I go into the same fitting room at Target all the time. Then I started thinking about other stalls, bathroom stalls. And I realized that when given the choice, I always choose the same stall in a public restroom I use often.

Then I thought about the kids in my class. I have never had assigned seating for my room, because I found that kids will always sit in the same spot from beginning to the end of the class. One or two might move once or twice throughout the semester, but after about a week I can make a seating chart that I can leave for subs. And the funny thing is, if they complain about a neighbor, I remind them they can go anywhere they want. And they still don't move! They refuse to move! I love psychology (almost as much as Ross, oh and Target sales).

And then myself in graduate classes. Everyone sits in the same seat all the time. Well I move around the room. I sit by someone else sometimes. I am a rebel.

Randomness.

2009-01-22T23:21:00.000-08:00

Am cooking, after midnight. Had this crazy urge to set up the crock pot for a mean spaghetti sauce for tomorrow's dinner. Won't have time in the morning, after my thursday class and a good chance of getting home before midnight, I set my alarm for a cool 40 minutes before I have to leave (instead of the usual 1:45 minutes to allow for excercise, shower, brekkie, tea, etc.) I usually stay up late on Thursdays. Usually reading more of the horribly addicting Twilight series. But I'll get into that later.
So I really like cooking. And I never thought I would, actually. I always thought I was, like my grandma, a baker. But baking is like science: all the ingridients need to be in exactly the right proportions, or it's not what I wanted. I'm not saying there's no creativity in baking, it just takes longer. Each tweak to a recipe must be written down and remembered for the nextime I try the thing. All of my recipies evolve and mutate. Like my patterns for dresses (I really `could follow a pattern if I needed to, but it is so much more fun to make changes as I go along!)
So cooking basically comes a little easier. The experiments can be tried and tasted instantly, and tweaked before the meal is through. The only consideration is managing to get all the items done at the same time. And that just takes practice, learning how long it takes to boil a potato vs. broiling a steak. and that all comes with practice. (which I had all sewn up back in CA, then we moved to AZ and everything seems to cook differently at a high elevation. oh yeah, and with LPG, not natural, gas.)
Seasoning is easier, I just know what tastes good with what. How much is a guess, and sometimes I get it wrong. The good news is the mr. is trying to eat healthier. So I can be more creative, no longer trying to emmulate his mother's (English, so traditionally bland and fatty/starchy) cooking. I have introduced him to asparagus and yams. He countered with kindey and liver. OK. I can deal with this. all are healthy, I will learn that they taste good.
So what's on the menu for tomorrow? spaghetti. Sounds simple, but I like to make it complicated. The whole thing revolved around a jar of spaghetti sauce with mushrooms I knew was half-empty in the fridge. I bought some chicken sausage at trader joe's this evening (wrapped in a "natural pork casing." so pay attention if you are hallal or kosher and buying chicken sausage in the supermarket). So the sauce went in the crock pot (along with another, whole jar of sauce with eggplant) and in the meantime I sauteed the sausage with some onions, and then added fresh tomatoes and asparagus. While those were reducing, I threw in the sauce some garlic, crushed red pepper, and vegetarian meat crumbles (chicken, pork, and veggie beef. I should be arrested for food porn. I use the vegie beef crumbles because they lend a meaty texture to the sauce without all the fat of the meat.
So the "later" spoke of is now. The bloody "Twilight" series. I went to see the damn movie and was hooked. I sped through all three of the first books and was amazed. I was so much a part of the story, I was having nightmares about it. The whole thing inspired me to get writing again (even though I DON'T HAVE THE DAMN TIME RIGHT NOW!) and get my own little story published. I was amazed by everything. The story, the characters, the inricacies, everything mattered so much to me.
Then I began the fourth, and final, book in the series. I had a feeling about it when I just couldn't attach myself to it. Then it GOT WEIRD. Not going to do spoilers here, doesn't matter anyway. there is no point in discussing the drivel I have subjected myself to. The weird thing is, I can't put it down. I was hoping for so long it would get better and it just... doesn't. It just gets further and further into ... I don't even know what. I realize now I would be much better off I never read this final book. If I had left the ending at the third. But I can't stop until it's ended. At least I learned something from all this: when my story is told, I will stop telling it. Another book in the series, just to please the fans, just to please the publishers, just to squeeze one more drop of blood out... I hope I will have the balls to tell them no. That's the end of my story. But I have another one...

dreams

2009-01-12T18:12:00.000-08:00

So i had these weird twisted dreams last night. I always seem to when I go to bed reading the twilight series (ok I am actually a little obsessed. I feel like a teenage girl. I actually sneak chapters while I am supposed to be working). In this particular dream, I was Bella, but I was also myself. I was waiting to be changed into a vampire. While i was waiting, I was in my grandma's old bedroom, wearing her too-big pajamas like i was a little kid again. She was in the room too, i could smell her. but i couldn't see her and i couldn't talk to her. I woke up with this strange detached feeling, like there was something left unsaid. I haven't seen my grandma for almost five years and still she comes to haunt me in my sleep. I wonder what she's up to?
Eventually I did get changed into a vampire (yes i do return to dreams after waking). i stood in front of the mirror and watched my blue eyes turn white and then black. I knew i was hungry, but the Bella part of me was repulsed by the blood. I hid away in grandma's room for a while, but i knew i would have to go out and hunt soon. My only regret, now that i was a vampire, was that I could never see my husband again. For some reason this technicality hadn't occured to me before, and it made me very sad. Worst of all, I didn't even have an Edward.
Stephenie Meyer says that the whole series came out of a dream. I have never had such vivid or recurring dreams from anything i've ever watched or read. Her characters are so... real. so beautiful. It makes me want to write. I know I can do it. This is my decade- I'm going to write a novel and it will be published. after years and years of trying to learn to write, I finally figured it out when i finally tried to teach writing. Now I can't wait to get out of school so I can write my book!

New Couch!

2009-01-07T16:43:00.001-08:00

The mr. came home today with a brand new leather couch! the first brand new couch for both of us!! yay!

(Now we have to finish the wall behind it).

Up to now...

2008-12-30T18:30:00.000-08:00

Well I mentioned that i was going to blog about my long trip home because it was wrought with disaster. But after xmas, it didn't really seem all that bad.

So the short version of the trip is this. I Left a little later than I planned, becasue it was pouring rain the morning I was leaving. I had a beautiful southern California weekend, and then it was pouring rain when i was trying to leave. The rain let up a bit, so I took off. Of course it started again. It was rainy all the way through palm bloody springs.

So about halfway there, While I was visiting with some snowbirdfriends of mine in Quartzite, I was told by a nice lady at a gas station that my tire was low. So i checked it and it was LOW! 20lbs of pressure (vs the 35-40 I should have). The Mr. had checked the tires before I left and found them at 20lbs, filled them, and sent me on my way (he did not find anything wrong with the tires themselves). So of course i filled it and was on my way. And of course the rain caught up with me.

Then the damn wipers weren't working at all- it was leaving streaks on the windscreen and I really couldn't see all that well. so i stopped in a truck stop and *gasp* spent $13 on damn wipers. As I was standing there changing the wipers, I noticed a very strange noise. After an inspection of the tyre, I found a screw lodged in it. The weird noise was the tyre leaking in a puddle. Chaning the wipers didn't really help either. in fact, the driver's side one still streaked. like I didn't even change them. Which I kind of dealt with until it began to flap in the wind and I was beginning to hear the squeal of metal on glass. so then i pull over at this stupid gas station (that had no gas) in the middle of nowhere with a little korean guy at the counter. I got out. In the rain. and switched the blades, making a roadside bodge to keep the broken one in place. Of course, I had to pee. There was a BIG sign on the door that stated "Restrooms are for customers only!" SO i brought in my wallet, ready to purchase some gum or some other damn thing. anyway, the bathrooms sucked, so i justified to myself that since they were so dirty i didn't have to buy gum. I sort of expected the Korean guy to stop me and force me to pay for something. He didn't. he just wanted to know my story. heh. So finally I was on the way home and very very anxious to make it back. I speeded a little in St. David (which you don't do) and got pulled over. And didn't get a ticket. In fact, I never got a ticket, I've had three warnings for speeding and never got a ticket. So I'm lucky. SO WEIRD THAT BLOGGER CHOSE THAT NAME FOR ME.

That's not the only reason why I'm lucky. On Christmas day, i was kicked in the head by a horse. I was feeding the horses with mom, and playing with my stupid paint. running around and teasing him a bit. the next thing i knew, i was on the ground. and mom didn't see, so we thought i just fell over (alcohol was involved) and hit my head. so we went back in the house, mom cleaned up my cut and we all went to bed. I didn't sleep well, as i kept rolling over on my left side and it hurt. In the morning, i woke up to find that my face was swollen twice the size on the left side! when I further inspected the cut, it made the perfect imprint of a hoof on the side of my ear.

So this is what it looked like the day after xmas...

Two days after, the black eye begins to appear...

And last night...

The bruise looks fantastic, but the scab is doing very well. Oh, and the other thing I had done... the nose peircing. There is a monroe on the other side, but I'll take nicer photos of that when I have a face again...

Update

2008-12-19T07:37:00.000-08:00

The boy that was involved in the accident that killed the young lady woke up from his coma a week to the day after the accident. They made the announcement at lunch. The last I heard he was sitting up and breathing on his own and eating a little. He doesn't remember anything about the accident, and doesn't know about the girl. He won't know until someone tells him. I know he's going to live with that for the rest of his life.

Ran DOM Ness

2008-12-19T07:30:00.000-08:00

I thought AZ was supposed to be HOT!

And I spent two winters in a trailer. So I thought that my major discomfort was mainly due to the bad insulation and all-around crappy engineering. So then the MR. builds us a little house. And it is a well built house, and a well-insulated house, and it’s still effing cold in the morning.
So I wake up this morning to a frozen landscape. A frozen DRY landscape. Which means frosticles everywhere and especially all over my windscreen. Of course it would freeze the night before I’m to leave for CA! I hope it’s warm out there. I haven’t even checked the weather, I’m just breeding hope right now. The poor horses in their little coats.

Are you taking the PISS?

Ok so we’ve established that I’m done with teaching. Usually, I like the little cute things that the kids do, and really they are the only reason I didn’t just quit and get a bartending job. But these little buggers! Let’s call them the slug twins.

There’s a good shot of one of them. Nice and fat. Notice I didn’t mention which one, because they are basically interchangeable. Both totally useless. OK well the slug twins illustrate what I can’t stand about kids today (listen to me, “kids today.”) they spend all their time playing video games, and then we call their inability to attend ADHD. Now I’m not discounting the disorder, but I am stating that it is OVERDIAGNOSED. We need to rule out other factors, like LAZINESS. So I get this paper that I can barely read because everything is mispelled and the whole first page is one sentence. OF COURSE he wrote it about a video game. So then the next three pages are copied off the game’s website. How am I supposed to grade this muck? Especially when the game is so VIOLENT that it is BLOCKED from the school’s website and I can’t even get evidence off the internet that it’s not his work. And my aide keeps telling me to call their mom… like she cares. I tried to tell her one day that the twins sleep through all their classes because they stay up until one or two in the morning playing video games. She told me, “No, they are definitely not up that late.” I asked her if the video game systems were in their bedroom- her answer: “Yes, but I check on them.” OK so I guess these kids can’t hear their mom’s fat ass climbing the stairs at 1 AM. I guess she never was a kid. Ever.

And then the other thing about school:

Today is the last day of school before the winter break (notice I didn’t say “Christmas break.” We have to be PC). And I’m just putting the final touches on final grades and such and I suddenly realize as I’m getting ready for my drive to CA that I will have totally different classes next semester! We are on a block system, which means that there are four classes a day and each class is 90 minutes long. After a semester of work, the kids have earned a full credit towards graduation. (Instead of a full credit per year, as in typical high schools. I know, it’s been a really long time since I was in high school too.) so each year, a kid has the ability to earn 8 credits, instead of the typical 6. Which means if you work hard, you can graduate faster. Neat. I would have liked such a system when I was in high school! But the difficult bit is that I am not used to having to start all over at the semester. Which means it came as a bit of a shock to me that I was going to have to plan ahead and come up with something for the first day of school. I know all the kids in the school now and most of them have known each other since K, so icebreakers are not appropriate. Games are not out of the question... maybe some nice word puzzles to get us in the Language Arts mood?

Myspace for adults:

So I went and joined facebook. I did so a while ago, because I was looking for someone and I had to join in order to look at his profile. Well I joined and then couldn’t find the kid again. So I didn’t check the facebook for a while. Last night I went on and played around a bit. A lot like myspace, but without all the stupid bling. I feel very adult. It’s also a much easier system and much easier to find people on. Each time I log on, it throws up a couple profiles of people I “might” know (went to the same high school, lived in the same town…) really neat. So I reached out to a few people and put up some photos. We’ll see what happens next.

Bollocks.

2008-12-08T06:55:00.000-08:00

Two students were involved in an accident on their way home from school. The driver, a 16 year old junior, is in a coma in critical condition. The passenger, a 14 year old freshman, died at the scene. Neither was wearing their seatbelt, but they were also sober. A dually truck pulled out in front of them on a country road.
I am reminded of when I was 14 years old and a girl I knew was in a traffic accident right before Christmas. Summer Scyvink was not what you would call my best friend, but I knew her. She was in several classes with me and carried my books for me when I hurt my leg. Right before school broke up for winter break I said to her, "see you next year!" But I didn't. I got a phone call two days before Christmas, another friend telling me the news. It was another two weeks before I returned to school but it was strange to go back.
Now I'm on the other end of that, as a teacher I return to school after an accident. There seem to be a lot more student deaths out here in the middle of nowhere than in the city. I wonder why this is. Are country roads more dangerous? Are people more careless as drivers? I know that I have had many close calls in my new neighborhood mainly because I don't expect to encounter anyone on the road. So maybe I don't look as carefully around corners as I used to in LA because the likelihood of someone being there is very slim. This person that turned into the kids very likekly didn't look where he or she was going before pulling out into the road. I know I'm going to be more careful from now on.
The kids are spending the day making cards and letters for the two families.

Bored out of my Gord

2008-12-04T20:09:00.000-08:00

I am getting so tired of this program. I don't think it's healthy or ok to ask anyone to travel to Tucson for four hours each Thursday for two and a half years. I have now been in the program for a little over a year, and will be testing for my provisional license in April of 2010. Effing Eff.

And now I am again taking a course from the most boring, half-deaf, rambling instructor I have ever encountered. We spent the first hour and a half of the class going around introducing ourselves and talking about every tangent that came up in the process. We then spent the next two hours going over the syllabus. leaving exactly 1/2 hour for her planned (and powerpointed) speech.

Speaking of powerpoints...I am giving a pres tomorrow for the staff at THS. I'm strangely nervous and shy about this presentation. I've given numerous presentations for my classes (required) and given many presentations at the big school I used to work at (some were voluntary, some were for "extra credit" and some I was asked to do. So I'm nervous.... why? I've never been nervous in front of people. I think it's because it's such a small crowd. 20 or so teachers. People I'm closer to because there are so fewer of them that i'm in their laps all the time. At the big school, I didn't mind the presentations, I was in front of so many people I couldn't see them. But these 20 people will be so... close. And not ONE of them will be nameless or unfamiliar. The other strange event is that I volunteered to do this. The even stranger event is the principal has said OK without even knowing what it's about! Weird.

I'm in two minds right now. I love my new job, I love my new school. I didn't think I would, but I love having the kids right in town with me. I love running into them at circle K after school, and I love the kids! I love knowing most of the kids and all of the staff. I love the kids knowing me, even if I don't know them. But then I get reminded why I hate the system and why I’m leaving teaching (kids in public school anyway). One of the downsides to a small district is how unorganized these people really are. I really don’t like working in a public school anymore. I am underpaid and unappreciated. Especially working in SPED is a grind, because I spend so much of my time trying to make the paperwork look like I’m following all the damn SPED rules, I’m not even really serving the kids like I should be. So then I think, why am I going into counseling? I’m going to spend somewhere around fifty grand acquiring my license and paying some bozo to supervise me (this is after 6 months of internship= read: working for free). Then what? Won’t I be trading one burocratic cog for another? The damn system governing counseling is just as broken as the public school system. But I can’t just let a year of study fly off into the wind. At least someday I can go into private practice. Somewhat be on my own. I could never do that as a teacher. Maybe even go back into teaching- which was in fact my original intention in pursuing the Master’s degree- teaching adults at the college level instead of kids at the public level. Gonna miss my kids tho…

The Cuckoo's Nest...

2008-10-27T12:24:00.000-07:00

When I was a teenager and things got heavy, I would wish I could be a cat, and lie in the sun all day and occasionally catch a mouse when I got hungry. I often wondered what cats thought, what they dreamed about, if they ever experienced drama.
Another of my little fantasies was to be commited to a mental institution. I was certain I could act "crazy" enough to get inside. Then I would finally be able to relax knowing I would be taken care of and would have many colourful characters to brighten my day.
My complulsion when things get bad is to run away, to hide. I would imagine I was somebody else, living someone else's life. Someone without so much drama. Fantastic that I always thought that life in a mental institution would be somehow less emotionally draining than dealing with "real life." Maybe I still do.

Horse feathers.

2008-10-09T14:45:00.000-07:00

We all know paints are basterds. Which is why I love them so much. I wanted a spirited horse, and boy did I get my wish.

He is the second horse ever to throw me. The first was Magic, when I was about ten. I dismounted (per my father's shouted instructions) at the top of the buck (he did not intend me to get off just then, but wait until the horse was closer to the ground). I landed on my ass and somehow managed not to break my tailbone. When I was 12, I was on a pony that decided he would roll whether I decided to get off or not. (But he was a pony and it doesn't count as throwing).

Then my wonderful paint, Dakota, Decided once that he was going to run straight for the electric fence. When he realized the fence was on, he stopped. I kept going. Landed, again, on my ass.

SO sunday, mom and I are out for a liesurely ride. There is a litte grassy knoll where we often stop to have a rest. I brought beers that day. They were icy cold. WHile the horses were busy eating, I was messing about with the stirrups, trying to make them come out even. (one is longer than the other.) when the horses suddenly bolted. All we saw were two horsey-butts running off into the distance. WHOA! we yelled as we ran after them in the sand. But to no avail. 5 miles later, we eventally tracked them to the road where the MR. came and picked us up in the JEEP.

boy were we tired that night.

news on a sat night

2008-09-27T20:26:00.000-07:00

just found out i passed my course. so i get to be a counselor in a couple of years.
the mr. caught a rattlesnake today, would have picked it up with his bare hands, had not lieutenant dan been there to knock him out the way with the jeep. we cut the head and the tail off with the shovel. the body was still moving after the head was cut off, like a lizard tail. it was about three feet long.
the Mr. also wore a tarantula in his hat all day. found it on the ground. a little later he put a large grasshopper in his hat with it. said they were disco dancing in there! never a dull moment at the ranch.
lieutenant dan and the red lady now have a new mission- they have taken over the lease on the restaurant in the leigion. so they will be serving cheap fried food to the ret'd military in town from now on. and hopefully this will keep the lieutenant out of kerry's hair a bit in the day. they are having a big opening on wednesday with jim's lasagne. we have been offered a free meal... although my lactose intolerance tells me i should make another dinner decision. as the Mr. says, "i don't wan't you flying around the room tonight!" hehe.

wow. a year.

2008-09-18T23:38:00.000-07:00

SO i'm in the middle of my mid-program evaluation for my masters degree. It's a bit of a big deal, if i don't pass this class i don't get to go on in the program. If I don't get an A then I'm on academic probation. I guess the mr. just doesn't really understand the gravity of all this.
So all last week i've been stressed out writing this stupid report because it's like half our grade. We had to watch a 45 minute interview and then write bio psychosocial report and treatment plan for this person. We also had to show a theoretical orientation threaded throughout the assessment. Next week, we have to do a role play with another member in the class playing this client and show the same theoretical orientation we had in the paper. so the paper is really important.
OK so i haven't been around the house much lately. it's been F***ING chaotic here. first, the trailer burnt down. then lieutenant dan and the crew moved in. then i went to the slimy to pick up mother and THAT was a crappy trip. the next weekend, BTW when i arrived home from the trip i found out the MR had set me up to babysit little nose kate. damn him. he didn't even ask me, and you know he wouldn't have anything to do with helping! So i ignored him all weekend, took her shopping and into town. been mad at him a lot lately. sick of being last on his list. i understand we have to take care of the "tenants" needs first, but i've been waiting for a shower door for TWO f***ing months now. it can't be that hard. why is it that when that man needs something i am expected to drop everything and do it now, but my honeydo list rots on the microwave door?
ok rant over. back to tonight. me and the low ride mama (S. Shareride) were a little late getting to tucson this afternoon and there was no time to go to trader joes. ok whatever. i'd brought a bottle of water anyway so it was really no big deal. i even had a granola bar in my bag.
So i called the mr on my break, which is something i never do, he's terrible at social phone calls. but i'm going to be gone this weekend and like i said i've been gone a lot lately and i even came home for lunch today just to see him and say hi and stuff.
when i say he's bad a social calls, i mean he won't say anything and keeps asking you what you're doing.
so i mention that we were late getting in and i didn't have time to go to trader joe's. he gets mad. i think he's joking, so i go on with the joke. then i realize he's not joking when he says, "class can't start without you, you keep up your routines!" now this class can, and will, start without me. and we have been told many times that we are being judged every second we are in the classroom and being late is just not an option. like i mentioned before, if i don't pass this class, i'm out of the program. then i realize that he is more concerned about beer than my passing the program! oh no he di'ent!
whatever. i've tried to explain how much pressure this class, the whole program is to me. he thinks i put more into it then i should. he thinks it's all a game. well he's spent his life cheating the system and he's good at it. so he can't understand why i need to do things within the system. he doesn't understand that i need the degree, and to get the degree i need to jump the hoops. sometimes i wonderwhat it would be like to be with someone who tried to understand me instead of being so stubborn. but then i guess i would have to be attractive to a gay man. damnit.
he is not without his benefits, don't take me wrong. i do love the guy. but he frustrates the crap out of me too.
like this incident, it probably has everything to do with me leaving town for a few days and nothing to do with school or beer. he's like a child. he doesn't want to go anywhere with me, but he hates it when i leave. well, he's gonna have to get used to it. i've had the feeling for a while now that his travelin days are over. he doesn't ever want to go anywhere. well if he doesn't want to go, i'll go with some girlfriends, or by myself. i want to travel to excotic places, take a cruise... after the program ends you bet i'll be doing these things. i don't think i ever want to be in school again. i feel so tied down to this program.
ok enough venting and ranting.
looking forward to this weekend. a lot. a well deserved rest. spending two FULL days in LA. back in the 'hood. chance to do touristy things again.
OH AND I ALMOST FORGOT!
so i booked us a room near the reception place for the wedding, thought it would be nice not to have to drive to the slimy afterward... and the guy on the phone tells me, "well, you know this is a gay, clothing optional hotel..." awesome. i. can't. wait. what an experience!
will take lots of photos!
cheers.

OH dear.

2008-09-03T19:04:00.000-07:00

So the plan was to drive to Cali with the horse trailer on Saturday, pack mom's stuff on Sunday, pick up the horse on Monday and then head home. We were to arrive before dark, relax, have a beer, and chill out before I had to return to work on Tuesday.

It's a good thing I'd had sub plans - just in case.

Everything went fine until - and I swear I had just mentioned how smoothly the trip had gone and what great time we were making - when the transmission suddenly went funny. I was driving the '89 Ford F250 Diesel when the OD light suddenly began flashing. I knew this wasn't a good thing because this is what the thing was doing right before the Mr. and I changed the torque converter. So we limped home the last hour or so and somehow made it to mom's condo.

I was mostly sure (because the Mr. had told me so) that the transmission would reset itself if I turned it off. After a 13 hour drive, I was ready for a beer so we went in and tried to forget about it. In the morning, I decided to check it. I turned the key, and heard a click. No winding of the engine starter (which I expected) just the click of a cylanoid.

Now you may ask, "How did you know it was the cylanoid?" Well, I'll tell you. I phoned up the Mr. and he walked me through all the troubleshooting experiments. We (the ladies helped me - the crazy cat lady AKA "little woman" who went as my co-pilot and mom of course) cleaned the battery connections with baking soda and tried again.

*click*

Ok. So then he had me take a pair of pliers and bridge the gap between the nuts powering the cylanoid, and then the started motor.

*click* *click*

The Mr. and I (at that point I considered myself something of a mechanic) decided it was in fact the starter motor. So we called the local auto shops and found one on the shelf. Then the Mr. told me that he believed I could change it (only 3 nuts) but I might have a hard time lifting it. So I called the "E" man and he happend to be in town. HOORAY! He came over and for a few beers and a BBQ he changed the motor.

We tried the key again and

*wha - wha - wha*

But not enough battery juice to start it. OK no problem. We hooked it up to a battery charger and left it the night.

Next morning I was up early as I wanted to leave. Didn't want to drive in the dark! The truck had been loaded up higher than the height of the horse trailer and one side of the horse trailer was full of boxes. So I went out to try the ignition.

*...*

not even a click. The radio light flickered for one tiny moment and went out. We called Triple A and had them come out for a jump. The guy came with the truck and the cables and coulnd't get it going. Needs a new battery it seems. Within an hour the battery guy was out with a new one. The truck started right up. I promised I wouldn't turn off the key until we passed the border and we were off to pick up a horse.

At one point the Mr. was wondering aloud, "It just doesn't make no English, how could the started and the battery all go at once?" (the transmission had reset itself and was functioning normally again) I didn't have an answer except to say, "You're not here. If you were here, nothing would have gone wrong."

After that, nothing much eventful happend. We got the horse in right away, and embarked on our journey. We got home in 14 hours and by midnight i was in bed.

Now mom is here for good and she is getting settled into her new house. What she doesn't know is that her REAL new house is pulling up just at this moment! I'll have pictures as soon as I get the Mr. to put photoshop on the lappy. Haven't had any new pics since the fire as the computer went down with the usb cables attached.
xoxox

In case you missed it....

2008-08-15T12:56:00.000-07:00

There is is, the color version of our old place burning to the ground. whee!
must credit the source: http://www.thetombstonenews.com/

Dad

2008-08-15T12:21:00.001-07:00

Dad is coming back to reality. He was attacked and beaten to near death right outside his own home. When he sent me the email, I wasn't sure if he was telling the truth or it was just a fantasy. but i found out from a third-hand account that it was true. (the other email i got from him that week detailed his account of when the aliens came to speak to him in the form of a dragonfly speaking in his mother's voice. but apparently, that really happend too.)

He didn't return to his home after that and had someone out there to feed his dog and his cat. I don't know why he was jumped, but I am assuming this was drug related. I missed a few of the deatils, but he is now living in Washington near the Canadian border in an area where he doesn't get cell phone coverage, but he did get another cell phone (the one i had the number for went into the LA river) he got a new number, but for some reason still has the LA area code (I guess with cell phones it doesn't matter anymore).

So dad's living in a crab shack in WA and somehow has a job up there. I believe he mentioned something about getting his dog up there with him... but I don't ask any questions. I'm afraid I might get too many answers. With my dad, less is more.

Survived!

2008-08-15T09:41:00.000-07:00

I survived my first week. The kids are great. The adminstration is supportive. I've already talked to a few parents who are also - supportive and helpful. The staff is smiley and helpful. I think I've entered the Twilight Zone.

I actually really like it here. Working at a small town school is really nice. Everyone knows just about everyone else and school rules are enforced. I am one of 22 teachers. There are about 400 kids at the school, last year's graduating class was 45.

I was terrified at this time last week because i had just found out i was going to have to teach. I mean really teach, not just show up in some other teachers classroom three times a week and pretend it's "team teaching." I have two English classes for which I have to plan activites, grade assignments, and keep a gradebook. But hey, I kinda like it. I get to do all the cool stuff I learned about in my theory classes and all the professional development groups I've attended. I actually get to put the students in groups and make them do presentations. Although it's a resource (SPED) class, I'm treating them like GenEd. for the most part, they are following right along, which supports the theory of inclusion- raise the bar and the kids will get there. There are only a couple that are going to need a boost. no prob, between me and miss J we'll get them there.

Right well I have some parents to call and some scores to enter into the gradebook. Ironic how in the last couple of years I'm going to be a teacher I actually get to teach. I am actually enjoying it.

Mobile Home Fire on Colt Road

2008-08-12T10:28:00.000-07:00

The Tombstone News, volume 003, issue 51, August 8, 2008
By Meredith Littlejohn

On Friday, August 1st, at approximately 2:30 PM the Tombstone Fire Department was toned out to a structure fire on Colt Road in Holiday Estates. Smoke couls be seen from miles away and many residents who live in the area stated they heard loud popping sounds coming from the fire.
According to Fire Chief Jesse Grassman when fire personnel arrived on the scent a 1980’s mobile home was in flames. “The property owner had just built a new home and were moving the mobile home across the property,” stated Grassman. “They broke for lunch and when they returned they saw the structure smoking and by the time they realized what happened the entire structure was engulfed.”
Grassman went on to say that the home owner asked that the building be left to burn. “It was empty of any furniture or items and was not hooked up to any utilities,” stated Grassman. “The homeowner asked that the structure be allowed to burn so there would be less to clean up. We did as he asked and when it was almost completely burned out we put out the remaining fire. The loud popping sound the neighbors heard was from the tires exploding.” According to Grassman there were no injuries or damage done except to the structure itself. Grassman stated that the cause of the fire is unknown but does not appear to be suspicious.

we made the front page of the Tombstone news! The picture is not yet up on the webpage, but check in a week. The Mr. said that the whole street was blocked with onlookers and that it went down in about ten minutes. The hard part was Friday morning when the people arrived from Minnesota with their Uhaul trailer ready to move in. I couldn't find the words to tell them, so I just showed them. I promised the Mr. would have it taken care of, somehow, and now he has. Lieutenant Dan, the Red Lady, and Little Nose Kate are moving into their new trailer today.

tongue diary #3

2008-07-28T20:33:00.000-07:00

three weeks exactly! i have got over the proverbial hump, and everything is roses from now on. i have a little tiny piece of jewelry in there and i barely notice it at all. which is kind of a bummer becasue i but down really hard on it and broke a filling. so that means i'm in the dentist tomorrow, which means a trip to mexico. no big, it's only $50 and about a 45 minute trip. so i bought a lot of acrylic ones that won't break my tooths.

also i ran into my piercer after doing the show on fri night, he was talking to another of my friends outside of kate's. he gave me his private # and told me "it's not that i like sticking needles in people... but" well he really likes it. so he has to charge so much at the shop, but if he comes to my home then i pay whatever i think he's worth. and he pierces the twins (my neighbors) so in a couple of weeks i'll get some other stuff done. hehe.

those little effing basterds!

2008-07-28T20:18:00.000-07:00

they're kicking my ass right now.

the little basterds crawled up on my feet on saturday as i was kicking the shit out of their little homes. sorry, i don't like effing ants. never have. now i might develop a phobia.

i always thought the big red ones were fire ants, i didn't know the little black ants, the ones that look like harmless little california sugar ants, could also be harboring a little stinger in their ass.

alright so i'm an ant bully. the mr even thinks so. he doesn't like that i kill them and torture them and pour water & gasoline down their little effing holes. but i don't like them...in...my...house. i don't want them near my pool. so i kill the little basterds, i stomp on their holes (sorry animal lovers, but ants don't effing count. especially now)

so i didn't think much of it, it stung, and i kind of thought it would go away. i am plagued by bug bites, especially in the monsoon season! but bug bites only itch when you think of them and if you ignore them long enough they go away.

well, this won't go away. it stings and burns all the time and calamine lotion wont' help. i'm told cortizone, but that requires a trip out of tombstone and i' won't be able to get it until tomorrow morning.

so i should have washed it with soap and water right after. i know that now. nextime (there won't be a nextime, you little effing basterds!). so i've been soaking in epsom salts and baking soda and that has releived a little the pain. i took two benadryl, and boiled some oatmeal in the salt/baking soda water. as soon as that cools i will stick my little tootsies in there. tomorrow i think i will wear sandals so at least i can put cream on them at regular intervals.

i got a blister on my toe that burst so i have to keep that clean and antibiotic creamed. i'll wear a band - aid on it tomorrow.

i just hope i can finally sleep tonight! last night was horrible!

basterds...

more jeep stuff

2008-07-25T01:03:00.000-07:00

right well, i guess it was really bad mojo to post that last pic of the jeep. on tuesday it rained elephants and hippos (cats and dogs, but much much bigger) and the whole road was flooded. well i had a class to get to so i had to leg it. and i have a jeep. i'll be just fine.
well i rooster tailed it through the water on the road ( awesome!)
but when it came to the wash i shouldn't have. i looked down at the water and thought, "it's going pretty fast." and then i remembered the words of wisdom from some other arizonians, "if the water's moving, don't go in." but there was the expidition went in just ahead of me. and i have 4WD. bulletproof!
so i took a deep breath and went for it. made it all the way to the other side of the wash, where the old girl promptly stalled. well i put my foot on the break. i looked around to take stock of my situation. the water was up to the doors. it was rushing through the wheels at quite a high speed. for some reason i thought that my foot on the break was keeping me there.
i tried to start the jeep.
"wheee- clunk"
not a good noise (not a mechanic, but pretty well-versed in car noise for an inexperienced girly girl) so i decided that starting the jeep and driving away was not on my option list. i then took stock of the water and decided that i would be better off outside ofthe jeep should the water decide the jeep was actually a small boat. so i grabbed my laptop and purse (which i had previously stashed in a very large garbage bag) and jumped out of the door and into the water. i was very close to the shore, and the short stint in the water did not even penetrate my sexy horse boots. i ran to the top of the hill (no recep in washes) and called for help.
i couldn't call the mr, as he had taken his phone for a swim earlier in the day (trying to rescue the lines in the trenches) and couldn't be reached.
the academic director at the ranch sent some boys out to get me. the first one that arrived was very sweet, but informed me that he was not going through the wash (while he was sliding down the hill in his flip flops) he waded through the wash to me. however, in order to assess the situation. so we decided the best thing would be to go back to the ranch and deal with the jeep later.
when we arrived back at the ranch, we encountered a ranch hand who had a BIG truck that could pull the jeep out of the wash, which was a good idea considering if the rain decided to open up again, the water in the wash could very well wash the little jeep away.
when the ranch hand and i returned to the jeep, the boys in the expidition returned. well one of the boys had the hood up on the jeep and he told me (after i waded through the wash again, boots can only take so much. now soaked up to my thighs) that the jeep likely had water in the engine (as he held up a soaking wet air filter).
so the ropes were attached to the front of the jeep and the back of the expedition and they pulled the little girl to safety.
the ranch hand was kind enough to give me a ride home. so i arrived through the back door with my bag in hand, soaked to the bone and covered in mud. the mr., having heard the diesel that dropped me off queried me, "who was that?" now you must understand the MR is not a jelaous man... his priorities are elsewhere as evident in his next question, "how much did it cost?"
so being that i arrived home sans jeep i informed him of the evenings events. he then recounted his afternoon in the mudhole and said he had pictures- i'll get to those i promise. just not tonight, i haven't even seen em yet. and everything is, well, taking time right now.
so we had a good laugh about the rain and the next morning (happy ending!) he rode with me to work in the morning and towed the jeep home with the sexterra. I am happy to report that the jeep is running once again, all for the price of a new water (i mean air) filter.
xoxo

on the move

2008-07-25T00:30:00.000-07:00

I know i've not spoken much to anyone lately (emails and voice mails have been piling up. don't even know who's called half the time, i check so infrequently) things are BUSY here.

So the Mr. decided that he missed Kalifornia (i guess) becasue after a two year hiatus from working - pretty much not at all - he decided that we were going to take on about three jobs at once with a tight deadline.

First, the house needs finishing. which we were kinda ok with, we had this lapsy daisy deadline for when my mum moves out here end of august. well then some friends of ours (lieutenant dan and the redcoat lady) decided they absolutely had to be moved to tombstone by aug 6th, and becasue they couldn't find a rental, could they rent the trailer?

ok fine. so we called the electric co and the water co and ?? i don't remember who else and had a big trench dug down the land and i've been packing up all my non-essential items and i think the trailer is moving down the land next week. the mr. was on such a tight schedule with finishing the house he actually HIRED A PROFESSIONAL to complete the job on time. this means $$$ and you all know about mr. krabs' opinion of spending.

So all of this is taking place while i've been back to work for the past four weeks, and will be starting full time again on monday. did i mention i'm also going to school full-time which includes a four-hour round-trip commute once a week? nutzy i tell you.

this is me, trying to catch a moment to relax outside the trailer...

Note the spastic hair, lack of fashion sense, and severe weight loss. and the fact that i'm suddenly 5'10" what stress will do to you!

oh and i almost forgot, the other job. the mr. decided he wanted a pool THIS summer. only he decided it sometime in mid-june. so he drew up the plans (he is getting good at this, i've a feeling he'll draw up the plan for our big house when he is ready to build it), got them approved, and had a BIG hole dug in our yard.

well i don't know how many of you know about the monsoons in arizona (not at all like southeast asia, but extreme just the same) but let me put it to you this way. a desert is defined by having 10 inches or less of percipitation a year. i think arizona gets it all in about two weeks. counting the runoff and everything else, the pool was FILLED with water. ok, imagine a POOL SIZE hole in your yard that is FULL of water after the rain, two days in one week.

well, that's only SORT OF what it looked like. the guys in BDU's were just in my imagination (I have a very patriotic imagination)

so most of the ranch is a big mudhole and there is no point in sweeping the house because it just comes in. and there's boxes all over the place anyway. i might sweep in the morning, make an effort, you know. we'll see. and the power keeps going out, so i won't even bother with the plug in clocks, except i keep lookin at them and seeing no time. so i guess i'm not in a rush anymore, which is refreshing. the power went out for several hours last night after a spectacular thunder and lightning storm. you know that game where you watch for the flash and count the seconds before the thunder? well they were happening at the same time. you could hear the crackle of the lightning, see the flash, and hear the thunder all at the SAME TIME! the MR and I were awoken at 1:22 this morning when everything went back on.

the the guy that the MR hired to do the concrete on the pool (that's right, kids, i said HIRED!) can't do his work without a snorkel. ANYWAY! so the pool's on hold for now, but nextime i have a visitor (marz?) there will be a private pool with a 6 foot wall all around it, a barbeque, a stereo system, (the speakers will be hidden in the wall!), and a brand new house. also the ranch will be downright crowded, with all the minnesotians and my mum.

so i think that's all. only i can't bloody sleep with all the excitement going on. keep waking up and thinking about all the plans i have to make in the next couple of weeks. & i just finished another 6 week class which puts me that much closer to GRADUATION! I wrote an 11 1/4 page paper on PTSD in about eight hours over two days. so what do i do when the pressure's on and i'm stressed? I STAY UP ALL NIGHT BLOGGING! duh.

Tongue diary #2

2008-07-15T08:10:00.000-07:00

One week.
the swelling has gone down and now all i have to contend with is the gigantic piece of jewelry in my mouth. I am learning how to talk again, how to whistle, and how to do a tongue taco. I used to do a double tongue taco, but now i can't. maybe in the future.
So last Tuesday morning i woke up with more tongue than mouth. i understand the reason for the gigantic jewelry. my tongue had pressed so far into the gap in my teeth (snaggletooth) that there was a numb spot there.
each day got a little better (less swellling, less pain, less leakage).
I was even able to sing on friday! the good news is the slurring helped my bad hungarian accent, and i played Kate just a little more drunk than usual.
woooo hoooo! one more week and i can change my long bar.

Monsoon

2008-07-15T08:06:00.000-07:00

Somedays it rains more than other days - like Friday it poured for about two hours. It made it hard to get out of work...
So right now i'm working at this ranch out in the boonies that used to be a german dude ranch. Since the place is out of the "county maintenance" line, the 2 mile dirt road to the highway apparently gets flooded. So friday afternoon i left in the xterra and was ready to surf. The whole road wasn't covered in water, but there were little islands of road between great vast bodies of water. I tried to keep to the edge where i would have some traction (the terra isn't 4wd), kept it in auto-2nd gear, and didn't take my foot off the gas. i slipped and slid and screamed through about a foot of mud and very nearly lost it when the tailpipe went under and i could hear the engine start to sputter. I knew I couldn't stall there (the water would go into the engine and that's supposed to be bad). so i just hit the gas and out i popped on the other side. For two miles i slopped in and out of giant holes of water. it was exciting to finally see the highway at the other side.
Needless to say, I'm driving the Jeep to work from now on.

I did it!

2008-07-08T18:34:00.000-07:00

there it is. i had this dream on friday morning that i got the piercing. i'd been thinking about getting another one for a little while but couldn't decide (not telling the options) so then this dream. and in the dream, i felt everything. it was very vivid. so all weekend i was telling kerry i was going to do it. monday morning i didn't say anything until about 4 PM. then i said, going to SV, wanna come? he dropped me off at the shop and legged it to the nearest bar. tee hee.
I was prepared for a little swelling, and talking funny, but what i was not prepared for was the inability to eat solid food. :( The Mr. Has suggested I buy some baby food... eeeeeeeeeeeew.

the best birthday prezzie

2008-07-08T18:18:00.001-07:00

we drove all the way to Phoenix for this... 3 hours with the little trailer. anyway, he refers to it as a "sooty van." it's something from his past, he drove around in the van version of this truck when he was in England.
Oh, and did i mention it's a right hand drive? that's me in the drivers seat. the photo has not been reversed. it's a mitsubishi and it even came with japanese parking tickets. ok, i think they're parking tickets, they're not speeding tickets, it only goes 55.

Not only that, but it carries the same load as an F-150, 1/2 ton! haha. pretty good stuff. only it's sometimes hard to remember the stick shift is on the left. the pedals and the gears are all in the same place- gas on the right. clutch on the left- only first gear is away from the driver while reverse is toward. takes some practice, but i drove on the road already. i thought it was better for me to drive on the right side of the road on the wrong side of the car than for k to be on the right side of the car on the wrong side of the road...

the longest day

2008-06-20T23:21:00.000-07:00

it's nearly the longest day of the year. this means that all the days from now on will get shorter and shorter, moving away from the sun and into winter again.
i know i am an earth sign, but if there was a sun sign, i would be it.
i get cold in winter, i get depressed. i like the first day of spring better, becasue it marks the first of the longer days.
now all i have to look forward to is more night than day and maybe even snow.
it brings me down a bit... even the thought of less sun in the day ...
but i do have the rest of the summer. and the hot days aren't over yet. not in the desert, no.
at least the nights are still hot.
and the mornings
and the evenings
and me.

This is a GRADUATE class?

2008-06-20T11:12:00.000-07:00

An actual quote from a fellow student in last night's class:

"That only happens in parts of Africa,

not the whole country."

The worst part is she didn't even catch herself, nor did anyone else in the class seem to catch it or notice.

Am I the only one that learned the geography of the world?

up again

2008-06-18T03:52:00.000-07:00

can't sleep. woke again at 217 am and just knew there was no going back. of course i tried to go back, and only had this disturbing dream where i awoke to the news playing on this tv that suddenly appeared in the corner of the room. i tried to turn it off with the remote by the bed and only turned on the tv that is supposed to be there. i went up to the new mystery tw in the corner. it was sitting atop a pile of various pieces of stereo equipment, defunct vcr's, etc. of course i couldn't find the button to turn the damn thing off. the mr. awoke and was trying to tell me where the button was- of course i got mad at him, found it myself, and stumbled off to the bathroom, fuming. i awoke in my bed just about to pee. the mr. was snoring away, but i was still mad.
miss s mentioned something about having realisic dreams. i have these kind all the time, where they start out in my bedroom, and i awake, but there is something weird in the room that doesn't belong. sometimes it's a person, sometimes a thing. when i was younger, i was able to fall asleep after waking, but i would just have the same dream again, with a different anomoly. there is usually something in the dream that either angers or scares me. i have been known to wake up yelling - or i think i'm yelling. i never seem to wake the mr. though.
so i woke up from this particular dream at 317, exactly one hour after i'd tried to go back to sleep. this is why i am up, trying to tire myself and maybe get a couple hours sleep before the sun comes up sometime before 5. oh, maybe an hour or so. maybe i can sleep in till 6. i hope i can go back to sleep.
on the good news side, the plans for the pool were approved and the man is coming with the digger this afternoon. so tomorrow there will be a BIG hole in the ground. i'll post some pics of that later. today, we had a working day, spent most of the day marking out the hole for the pool. this meant a lot of geometry and even more string. in the end we got it, but it took some major malfunctions on the way. isn't it funny how things like the pythagorean theorum just pop into your memory? the mr. thought i was "taking the piss" when i stated that was what i was using to find out if we had a right angle. but there it is, nails, string, and orange marking spray. He said last month that we would have a pool by the summer, i'm not going to say i doubted, but i wasn't going to hold my breath. well he drew the plans, (he's getting really good at this) and put them to the county and they only put one little red mark on it- we forgot to mention the "self closing, self latching gate" everything else was perfect. so now he's talking to a concrete finish guy who costs quite a lot, but somehow makes concrete go smooth and can coax it into a slope. nice.
so the news is the we will have a pool soon, move into the guest house, move the trailer down the land, put mom in it, and begin work on the big house next year. yep, mom is moving here with her horse, rio. sister is staying in the condo with the three evil cats and she's found a roommmate that's ok with litterbox.
think i might be able to get some rest if the sun doesn't come up too soon...

i wish i could effing sleep?

2008-06-15T21:58:00.000-07:00

what the hell. it's father's day. which means that i called my dad on the phone. and he didn't answer. i tried the cell phone first, as it was more likely for him to answer, but he didn't. it didn't even connect. so i called his house phone, which i knew he would not answer. and i left a pathetic message. but the mr k said it was better me leave a sucky message than no message at all. that he had been waiting all day and ... nothing. so i left my daddy a message. and my darling husband got not a whisper from any of his kids.

EFFING EFF...

2008-06-08T19:12:00.000-07:00

i can't believe i effing lost my wallet. i have never lost my effing wallet in my entire life. and the mr. just lost his less than a week ago. which means, we won't be able to go shopping until his cards turn up. then i will have to rely on him until mine do. arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. &,&,+&!
effingeffing efing sheit.
bollocks.
&tc.
that means i can't even go grocery shopping on monday unless i take a lot of cash! DAMNITT!!!

Kate's new dress...

2008-06-08T09:32:00.000-07:00

yep, I made it.

And, incindentally I am standing on the porch of the new house (not painted yet)

...big girls don't cry...

2008-05-22T14:20:00.000-07:00

So today was the last official day of school. my horrorscope was strangely appropriate:
You may be on-edge today and can get agitated by the littlest things. If you just can't settle down, remember this internal stress is from a short-term influence. However, knowing this may not necessarily make it any better. Keep in mind that there is a reason you are restraining yourself now. Common sense will assist you as you venture beyond the temporary discomforts of the day.
By Rick Levine
and yes, i was annoyed. the fire alarm was pulled two times during the last period (which was the last final of the day) i had a class of kids in there and others came to take their finals from other classes. i told mine that they could play games, but they had to be QUIET! i threatened referalls. i guess it didn't help that i'd spent all of the morning (my prep period) with Mrs. nicey nice's class. they are a bunch of basterds! and she keeps crooning in this kindergarten-teacher-voice, "ok guys, be quiet now!"
i did redeem myself when all the testers left (I think). i told them they were my favorite! and we laughed and joked the last 10 mins of class.
so then i packed up the rest of my things, relaized if i could get my wanker of an administrator to sign me off, i could leave today and not have to come back tomorrow at all!
so i did.
and as i started my car and left the parking lot, the radio came on and these words:

I hope you know
I hope you know
that this has nothing to do with you
it's personal, myself and I
we've got some straightenin out to do

I'm not gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've gotta get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry

Ok. so totally guilty. i've been a fergie fan since she was a black-eyed-pea. i even like london bridge (it reminds me of my clubbing days).
but this was a moment that meant a lot to me. becasue every loss is a time for a grieving process. and even though leaving this place is one of the best decisions i ever made in my life, i still have to grieve for all i lose by leaving there. the people i've considered friends that i will never see again, the classroom i had, the students who will miss me next year...

Sewing corner

2008-05-15T07:34:00.000-07:00

Finally finished my first corset. It was a long strange trip. i brought the pattenrn pieces over to a friend's house to have them sergered together so they wouldn't split apart like all the cheap corsets i've bought on allen st. (i've been through three in my two years in town).

being in the middle of nowhere means i had to buy all the supplies online-except the fabric of course, i keep trying to get away from wal mart, but out here it's impossible NOT to shop there. it's the only place to get any fabric or sewing supplies, and the only place they don't charge double for anything with "horse" on the label. the bones are steel spiral rods, this way they can move in all directions but they don't have a memory for the way they bend (all the plasic bones in my other corsets are bent in very uncomfortable places.

so here is the back view all laced up...

and the front view. the busk insertion was tricky!!!!!!!!!!!

It's a good performance corset as it's not too tight so i can sing and project. For those of you that don't know, i have a permanent paid actig gig in tombstone. I play Big Nose Kate (Doc Holiday's girl) in a bar (Big Nose Kate's) on Friday nights. it's an interactive improv cabaret show with singing dancing, and a catfight. I speak with a light hungarian accent and sing depressing 1880's songs with a baudy air. some shows even include a can-can!

i'm wearing a borrowed dress (which i don't have a picture of) right now while i finish the Kate dress i'm making. i'll definetly post some photos of that when it's finally done!

Damn nightmares

2008-05-15T07:16:00.000-07:00

My "horror"scope today:
Images from your subconscious mind are still flooding into awareness and it may be as bothersome as it is enjoyable. If you are pushed to do something that isn't your usual style, realize that it's probably an unconscious expression. Anxiety could arise from your own sense of confusion; the more you try to figure out what's happening, the farther away the answers seem. Don't take your lack of clarity too seriously, for it will pass soon enough.

and i just cant get the dreams out of my head. I slept great until about 3 am when i was awoken becasue i reached down by the side of the bed and got a handful of blonde, curly hair. i held on because i knew this couldn't be good, and at the same time i was yelling for kerry. i was yelling. (this couldn't be a dream, i never can yell in dreams) but kerry wouldn't wake up, he made a noise, but couldn't wake up. i pinned the young man against the wall and yelled for kerry again while i held him there. i didn't know why i could hold him or why he was there, i just knew it was bad. i knew he was bad, and if i let go of him he could get me. until i looked into his face. and he was as terrified as i was. then i woke up again.

i haven't had dreams like these since i was in high school. in the dreams, i'm actually in the room i'm in, but things may be a little different. objects moved on the dresser, things i'd lost years ago suddenly in plain sight. the last one i remember vividly was when i was about seventeen and living with my grandparents. my grandpa was sick. his brain tumor had caused several strokes and he was regressing rapidly in his ability to care for himself. at this point, he was still dressing himself. I awoke early in the morning and walked out of my bedroom and into his bedroom (it occured to me later that i hadn't opened any of the doors). I saw my grandpa standing there in his socks and shorts and pull the tee shirt over my head. he looked up at me, but didn't seem to see me. i became embarrassed anyway and turned to leave the room. the next thing i knew, i was in bed, suddenly awake. i could hear grandpa walking by the doorway on his way to breakfast.

but in this dream, everything was exactly the same. and kerry was there and he wouldn't wake up for all my screaming. when i woke up i went to the bathroom to break the moment and went back to bed. i only had about an hour left to sleep.

the next dream i had took place in a house i'd never seen before. yes came in the house and i told her she wasn't welcome here. she looked at me and went into a bedroom and shut the door. a little later little miss K (my little niecey from minnesota) was there, we were waiting for her parents and playing games. then this little mexican girl appeared (somehow i knew her name was rosa) but she wouldn't tell me where she came from or where her parents were. there was some connection between her and the blond boy from under the bed, but i don't remember what that was anymore.

two nights ago, i had a dream about mr. k's ex (the witch). she had gone mad and come to live with us. i suppose we took her in only becasue she brought the youngest (Boo) who refused to be separated from her. the ex witch was child-like doll-playing mad and i was caring for her with Boo. the other two kids stayed in California, wouldn't come visit there mom or to see us at all.

I know i'm under a lot of pressure right now. the dreams always come when there is so much on my mind.

Graduation

2008-05-14T17:57:00.000-07:00

the school year is winding down and I'm about to graduate from the contract I've been locked up in for the past ten months. This morning, I attended a make-up staff meeting at 6:30 in the morning. (Typical staff meetings are once a month on tuesdays right after school and typically last an hour. the make up staff meetings are in the mornings on the following day and generally last about half an hour!)

Not like it's a big deal for me to get up an hour early, when i'm already having to wake up at five to get to school at the ungodly hour of seven.

so a small group of us stood around the sign-in table waiting for the principal to arrive.

...and waiting

for fifteen minutes.

until our (hungover looking) principal finally saunters into the corridor with his cup of coffee and unlocks the door.

he sits down in the front of the room and says, "it's going to be a short meeting"

"is that why you're so late?" (I would have liked to have said).

a little later, "I'm trying to remember off the top of my head what else..."

"I am so glad you came prepared" (again, i didn't really say it).

but it reminded me why i am leaving this horrible place. maybe if he had more respect for his teachers he would be able to keep more of them.

happy graduation!

stressing

2008-04-27T22:28:00.000-07:00

i know i must be exhausted because i can't stop crying. i just keep doing and doing and doing.... and i know it's going to get me somewhere someday. but right now, i'm just tired. i can't sleep. why is it when i'm so tired, i can't sleep? how fair is that? and i'm having nightmares again. but this is just me. this is what i do. i'm always involved way over my head. i know i'm doing the right thing. i want this, i want this so badly. it's just so hard. how can i possibly be working and going to school full time? how many hours are there in a week? i've already had a breakdown. it really wasn't that big of a deal. all it meant was i took some pills so that my blood pressure was not scary. and i ride the horses. running takes a lot of stress out of my day... but i am getting older. my knees are killing me most of the time. if i sit for to long i have a stiff knee when i get up. and this morning (ok so i did go to sleep in my clothes and boots an all- it was the vodka) my hips didn't quite work. well they worked but i was so SORE! what the hell?

i love this picture. this is my newest niece, K. That's us, and you can't see it, but we are riding my horse, and it's her very first horse ride. she was a gem. she kept saying "go faster!" which was a suprise as most of the little kids i brought round the horses have chickened out when it came to getting on... but little K was a STAR.

well that's my story for now....

time after time...

2008-04-09T00:33:00.000-07:00

I am again wide awake at silly in the morning. especially considering my 5:00 alarm call in the morning...
I just can't sleep, got so much going on. SO fascinated by my current course of study. Looking forward to a possible new position in a place that is perfect for me! But no more about that now. Can't be giving away too much too soon... don't wanna jinx it...
been plagued with nightmares lateley. the type i wake up sweating from but can't remember details... my usual theme of water has not been revisited for some time. old boyfriends, dead bodies, and ghosts seem to be the theme of the day. i'd like to say it's the drugs or eating after midnight... but i've not been guilty of either for a long time.
last night i was awoken at about three in the morning and had only shadows in my head. I was back in the house at crown hill, but it was much more in disrepair than when we bought it, let alone left it. there were holes in the floor straight through to the basement- and it was dark and cold with no furniture. i dropped a broom down to the basement from the greatroom and reached through the hole to retrieve it. i could not reach it, yet it raised up to meet my hand. i brought the broom back through the hole in the floor (no bigger than my arm), surprised, to show mother when i was suddenly in the basement. i had not fallen but was instead floating. not of my own power as i had in so many dreams past, but held against my will by some specter. this poltergeist knocked my against the ceiling a good two or three times, although i did not feel the impact and then held me above the floor just out of reach of my feet for some time. i could not scream (as so often in dreams) and i could not relieve myself of the situation. i was just about to remark to whomever was on the other side of the wall that i was being posessed when i awoke. i soon realized i had to relieve myself (in the other sense of the word) and did drink a great deal of water (sometimes helps me sleep when i wake in the night, might have something to do with dehydration). i wanted desperatly to return to the dream, although the little part of me that wanted to sleep last night resisted out of fear and i was not able to sleep at all (despite the benadryl i took for the purpose).
i do wonder if i thrash about in the night when i meet a mare. the mr. is such a deep sleeper. although i do believe he misses me (albeit in his sleep) while i am up with my nocturnal writing as he often moans (something he does not do when i am there).
well, it is now official: i have turned in my letter of resignation and will no longer be a prisoner of ***** High School. I have one offer on the table from another local high school- they were able to approve what i wanted in the way of earnings (although it is quite a bit less, there will be no commute!). they really want me there, and they are being so pushy about it at the moment. I am keeping them on hold until... this other thing... works out.

Multi-tasking

2008-03-19T15:11:00.000-07:00

Two days ago i am sitting in an airport bar waiting for my flight to arrive. in the bar are nine television sets, each tuned to a different station. there is no sound on the tv's, but some of them have the words scrolling across the bottom. there is music on the radio, the beatles i think, at the moment and of course so many converstaions to listen in to. not to mention the txt messages i'm sending and receiving, and the occasional phone call. and even with all this going on. and through all this i am able to read a book and listen into the conversation going on next to me. and i wonder how children of this and following generations will ever get anything done...
will they ever seek out a quiet place to think? how will they ever expect to think with so much input in their lives at all times?
and of course, i as write this i am sitting with the laptop in front of the television. i have got up several times, once to send a text, once to take a phone call, once to get a map off mapquest and once to check into my flight for tomorrow and print my boarding pass.
but i remember playing outside. i remember a time before cell phones. i remember seeking quiet places just to sit. and think. i remember climbing trees and sitting at the coastline listening to the wind. i remember being up in the middle of the night walking out in the moonlight.

whoa horsey!

2008-03-14T00:41:00.000-07:00

a month ago! that's how long it's been? damnit i can't type even with allthe beer in me. I had all these lofty ideas about what i would write about when i got home. i even realized that what i should have is a tape recorder in my car. because i think of all these really deep thoughts when I'm on the road. which i am a lot lately. i did my mileage for a week. 600. oh fuck. but i said well, that's a tucson included week. so i did it for another week. well, iam up to 900 in two weeks. that leaves me at 450 every effing week. so tonight i took some gas cans with me. cuz gas might be 3.13 in town, (i really don't want to know what it is in california) and 3.05 in Tucson. I always travel there with just enough gas to get there, so i can fill up. i never expected this much difference between city & country as there wasn't really that much distinction in that california town i grew up in. it does make a diff. and it's an effing long way back and forth. i never dreamed i would drive 450 miles in a week. and like the Yorkshire say, "'ow much?"

effing weather!

2008-02-16T13:56:00.001-08:00

So here is my house. covered with snow. yesterday, i stayed home sick from work (*no pay, am out of sick days!) i really was sick though, becasue i missed my thursday night class as well. i came home from work at 2:30 on thurs night and slept until friday after noon at 1:00, only waking once in the evening for a bathroom and hot chocolate break, and once in the morning to call in sick to work. it snowed and hailed all day friday! did the show friday night (Kate's) am still waiting on photos, i have some friends who took lots of great photos, but they don't know how to put them on disc, so i have to bring my memory stick over there when they get back from their vacation. so we woke up early this morning to see the whole world covered in snow. by the time i took the shots, the snow on the ground had melted.

at the moment, all the snow has melted and it's sunny and warming. it's supposed to be a warm sunny three day weekend. nice! a good setting for my seven year anniversary. we are planning to go golfing with some friends on monday, which is the actual day. kerry doesn't golf, but we promised him lots of beer and dibs on the golf cart. he should also know that we are not in the least serious about golf- the whole point is to get drunk, swing at some balls, hit some of them, and piss off the old farts. like I used to do in college.

so the friends we're going golfing with, Mrs. P and the Engineer. i met mrs. p becasue she is my next door neightbor at work. i invited her into the sorority, and we became fast friends. she and i have been in sped and been married for about the same time. we also have pets instead of children. her hubby is an engineer, like the mister is capable of mechanical thinking as well. they get along. weird.

so mrs. P and i have recently been involved in a differnt kind of adventure- we are face to face with crazy! my roommate, also a new teacher, whom i'm sure i've mentioned before, i think i called him starfish. so anyway, starfish can't handle the stress at work, and of course the dickhead we call a boss. but i think starfish had some mental problems before, and this is bringing out the worst in him! he started with some paranoid behaviors- he thinks there is a conspiracy to get him fired. yeah. he also thinks that someone is coming into his house when noone is home and moving things around. nothing is stolen, mind, just moved around. oh and the perpetrators enter with a key, as there is no sign of a break in. yeah. he never takes off his leather coat. he carries a briefcase wherever he goes. he walks out of the classroom and leaves the kids. (usually i'm in there). so i didn't know what he was doing when he left, but he was going next door to mrs. p's to get a cup of coffee. and ranting. she didn't mention it, because she thought he was just venting, just getting it out. but then he started saying frightening things, like "those peole that bust my chops are going to get it." well, his demeanor sort of got her nervous. so she went to one of the school counselors and voiced her concerns. the counselor, having the "duty to report," did, and the next morning, starfish was called into the office for questioning.

so we were both very scared of what he would do when he got finished. he asked me flat out, "who has been talking about me?" i told him that we all had been, that we were all concerned and worried about him. i had to explain to him his erratic behaviors and why they were unusual. i don't even want to go into his explanations, but let's just say he had an excuse for each behavior i pointed to, and they only got weirder.

last week, prompted by my last blog, miss s sent me a book on borderline personality disorder. she was right, the book was very helpful in helping me decide that no, this is not me. but it also served another purpose, which i noted immediately- it will be a great resource in my next chosen career as a counselor. thanks, miss s for the first contribution to my professional library! but the next use for the book, i could not have expected. our man starfish fits the bill. which is even more frightening, as our fear of him stemmed from not knowing what he is capable of, to placing him in a particular box which means that without help, he is capable of anything. and this does scare me. and the amount of protection offered by the school- not much better. he was offered administrative leave, but he did not say anything incriminating in his interview, so there was nothing they could do immediately. they did send around the security officer and the campus cop to "check in" on us a couple of times that day (thursday).

starfish confided in mrs. p that he believes it was me that dimed him in. he also believes that i am having a secret relationship with another sped teacher, the music man, and that we are conspiring against him, starfish. he also told her he would like his own room, so she told him she would switch with him. that would put mrs. p and i in the same room (yay!) this way, neither one of us need to be alone with him. then he can be on his own with his conspiracies.

well i didn't go to school yesterday, and mrs. p called me last night to tell me, neither did he. he had also told the kids he would be having some time off, so maybe he took the admin leave. either way, we're doing the "move" on tuesday. he doesn't have much stuff at school, so we'll just switch the desks and bring in mrs. p's things. she's told him she'll leave all her decorations up, as he doesn't have any. i'll be glad to have the mess out of my room. i'll also be glad to have her in. our room will be the party room for the rest of the year! hooray!

well, i'll keep y'all updated on the lives of mental patients. starfish makes the third person in sped this year to have a mental breakdown. and do you think anything has changed? HA!

things i would like to tell my grandma

2008-02-04T16:50:00.000-08:00

i had a dream about gran last night. I don't remember the dream, but we were doing mundane things, like cooking and cleaning, like we used to.
I would like to tell my gran that, like her, I'm finally able to touch type. I am even able to realize when I've made a mistake, hit backspace, and correct it, without ever looking at the screen. I can talk to someone at the same time as I'm clacking away. but she never had that, she had an IBM typewriter. if she wanted to erase, she needed to change the strip.
I also want to tell her that, like her, I'm doing a puzzle a day. she did the LA times crossword every day of her adult life. I have never been able to get on with crosswords, but I do Sudoku.... almost daily. and to relax. and to keep my mind sharp. Just like she did.
And i want to tell her that I still wear her robe. that I still think of her every day. That I still do bake in the way she taught me. and i clean in the way that she taught me. And i miss her every day of my life. And i know after four years this will never ever go away. but i'm also glad of that, in my memory, she will live on. and how i live because of her influence on me, she lives on and on.

effing snow!

2008-02-04T15:51:00.000-08:00

K caught these clouds moving in with the wind this morning...

& this pic was taken 5 seconds later...

snow!

& then snow!

And more snow!

poor little jeep! this is how she looked when i arrived home from work!

well...

2008-01-31T23:15:00.000-08:00

that was weird. i just wrote something really heart felt and immediate. then i erased it. then i realized it had been autosaved. maybe it was meant for my eyes only. maybe i just needed to get it out. well, it's out there. a decision i've made.

y sDepression sux...

2008-01-31T22:46:00.000-08:00

...and so does dial up speed. damnit! why the H are we paying fifty bucks a month for satellite if we get restricted and still have to pay the same price! basterds.

anyway, back 2 my subject...

just pulled myself up on my bootstraps out of another depression. it's funny, i can only see it as such after i'm off it. (hindsight 20/20 and all that)

for those who love me (& those who don't) if u don't hear from me in a while it might be i'm off the cliff again. i have feared i'm borderline, well, it does seem to be hereditary (dad). but is it nature or nurture? and the fact that i am so clairvoiyant about it (and so functional) make a difference?

I know i was depressed, becasue i was eating everything in sight. i'd made it through "the holidays" without an extra pound. the first two weeks back at work i gained ten. then i was out with two sorority sisters, and they were talking about weight watchers. they both said, "this must be terribly boring for you!" i told them i was in fact interested, and skinny people gained weight too. i also mentioned i tried to watch what i eat (which at that moment was a lie)

so i ended up at the do, ate two plates of pasta and three glasses of red wine. what is that? 35 points? a whole day's worth? i didn't know i was depressed that day. this was last wednesday.

i got home and couldn't sleep (weird thing about depression, some of us can't get out of bed, some of us don't want to face the nightmares) so when *M* arrived home i invaded her trailer and proceeded to drink 3 fat weasels. (that's like 6 regular beers)

i went to bed about 1AM woke up late, rushed into the shower after 10 minutes of excercise and yelled at my husband for no particular reason. thursday i had my night class in tucson. drank a fat weasel (on the way home, cut my finger trying to open it with my keys!) friday, a usual friday for me. the kids know i get home late so it's usually a "game day." friday afternoon, no beers in the house, opening night of the new show at kate's. had fun in the show, somehow managed to hold it together with whisky and glue. ended up somehow at the silver nugget, came home about a fifth of whisky later (beer doesn't fit in a corset).

saturday was all a blur. went to the flea market, don't remember much else about that day, got an email from a friend the next day thanking me for the "good bye." i can only imagine.

sunday, more of the same. was a good girl most of the morning but made up for it in the afternoon/evening.

woke up drunk again, trying to make pilates happen, made it about 10 minutes. in the shower again, this time no irrational fight with husband, he was sleeping his off. weighed self, 138 lbs, i am bridget jones again. damnit. this scale weighs heavy!

monday morning, crackers and tea, trying to keep the vomit down third period. how did i let this happen again? something's wrong. stupid girl.

so i made the conscious decision- out of depression i will march. and i did. all this week, have been responsible, contributing member of society, with occasional drink at appropriate moments (not sneaking the cooking sherry).

the only thing i worry of is how exstatically happy i am right now. how alive, how manic! there are so many things of beauty as yet unnamed. i cannot at this moment see anything negative. does this mean i'm bi-polar? that i can shift so quickly between personnas? like my birth father? but is knowing half the battle GI Joe? if i am aware of what i am capable of, am i equally able to control it?

while i don't mind the occasional anti-anxiety drug for a calm-down, i am not at all interested in the psychotropic mind fuck- the numbness. but i believe i have the willpower- i have rescued myself from several poisonous addictions, just by deciding i'm not interested anymore. like i told someone once about quitting smoking, "you can't do it for someone else. you have to really want it."

i just saw my therapist yesterday. didn't even think to mention to her about the depression. hadn't thought about the connection with borderline until the drive home this evening in which i thought to myself how wonderful everything was, i was crying with joy- and thinking about the stark contrast between my thoughts tonight and a week ago.

not to mention my treatment of my husband. how rediculous i seem to me now, and how justified i felt then. he's lived with crazy. i don't want him to put me in that box.

Ode to Arizona

2008-01-15T06:29:00.000-08:00

in the 18 months i have lived here, i have been pulled over more times than in my 13 years of driving in California. Lucky me, i have never received a citation (here. I "supposedly" ran a red light when i lived in santa barbara, but i am sure it was yellow when i went through it. the motorcycle cop was so grumpy he actually turned around in the intersection to cite me).
I have received numerous warnings, but usually got off for being a girl.
so yesterday...
i was daydreaming driving down charleston rd on my way home. they were doing construction, so the speed went drastically down from 55-25. well he caught me doing 72 in the 35. and in a construction zone. well i thought this must be it! no getting out of this one. he let me sweat it out while he ran the information- only i couldn't find the insurance, which i am usually very certain about keeping in the car! so he returns to the car and tells me that he's going to avoid writing me a nearly 500 ticket (+traffic school, + double for construction zone) for speeding, and instead give me "waste of finite resources" ($37.00) and 30 days to produce my insurance information. well i thanked him pleasantly and went home. PHHHHHEEEEEW!
then i was on my way to bisbee, daydreaming again, and a second basterd turned around to catch me doing 74 in a 65! i thought this must be it. i can't possibly get away with this one. lucky for me, i had put the insurance information in the envelope with my earlier citation. which means that i was still trying to free it from the tell-tale pink envelope when he approached the window. startled me to jumping. i didn't want to admit to him that i'd been busted for the same thing not three hours before! i handed him the insurance, my ID, and the registration. he smiled and said he'd get me on my way with a warning. i am so glad he said that before he ran the car! he didn't mention about it, just had me sign the warning. it was so embarrassing. and if that wasn't enough, when i arrived at my study group, one of the team members asked if it was me pulled over on the road... like anyone else in town drives a bright yellow xterra. oh yes, i got the tease, especially when they found out about both stops!
silly girl!

#2!

2008-01-13T17:56:00.000-08:00

when i was a little girl, my auntie told me that i wouldn't be a horsewoman until i was thrown off a horse three times. At the time she told me, i had been thrown off a horse once, and once off a pony (she said the pony didn't count as they were closer to the ground and were bad tempered little basterds anyway).
when i was ten years old, i went for a short ride on a horse. the horse's name was magic. he belonged to a friend of mine (who was only really my friend cuz my mom and her mom sold tupperware). we all took turns on magic, each being led by a parent. well my friend went right before me, with her dad. and they fought. and magic was (understandably) upset. so my dad led me around on magic, and magic decided he had enough and started bucking and rearing. and my dad stepped back (as you do) and started speaking to me in a calm voice and telling me to take one foot out of the stirrup. well the next thing i know, i'm up in the air, then soon after that, on the ground. my tailbone was sore, but i was altogether.
that was #1
so today, i am trianing my little ten year old paint for an endurance race. so i thought, i'll see how fast he can go. we have a little track about our property, no more than ¼ mile. there are some steel posts, where we used to have an electric fence. i think there are about four of them. i sometimes use them for pole-bending, only since they are steel and rooted to the ground, only at a trot. so i headed for the poles, and bended them (at a trot) and all went very well. at the end of the poles, i urged him to run. we went around the first bend and then we were racing toward the property. he wanted to turn right, but i kept him going forward so that we went past the house and toward the street. i turned him around the house, turned right before the street, and went around the new construction. i tried to stop him by pulling the rein right up to my shoulder. his nose was touching his flank, but he was still galloping forward! he was charging toward the enclosure, and all i saw was the fence! i don't remember what happened next, but mr. k said he made a sharp turn to the left and i slid off. i hit the ground, butt first, and then my head. he went right into to the pasture and stood looking stupid at me from behind the food bowl. kerry was yelling at me from behind, "get back on the horse!" i was thinking that would be a good plan, so i ran into the pasture. he let me catch him straightaway, which is a big step for him. he wouldn't let me on him at first, but after a while i was able to get on and i made him stand for a really long time. then we trotted the track, never going above or below a trot. then i put him away. well i might have a sore neck tomorrow, but i dont mind really.

+, -

2008-01-09T22:45:00.000-08:00

there are positives and negatives to any situation.
recently, i was diagnosed with a hpothyroid condition. me, who shuns doctors and am WAY too young to be standing at the pharmacy counter on a regular basis for anything besides birth control (which by the way, i get by mail order).
so here i am, not only on a thyroid medication (which i will never be off of, BTW, it will just be regulated to accommodate my changing metabolism) which means i enter the world of those who cannot live without medical insurance. scary.
and there are plusses and minuses to every situation...
+
I am no longer tired all the time
I am sharp with wit and funny (not irritating)
I get more shit done in less time
I am *regular*
I can remember things (i thought the drugs had wiped that out)
I do not have to take naps anymore
I can stay up all night
I can drink anyone under the table
I feel smarter, more together, more in charge of myself and my emotions...
-
Apparently, i have not had PMS for some time now. this has returned.
Insomnia has also returned. even with the anxiety medicaiton, i have to concentrate on sleep.
I can no longer effing type (my brain is moving way faster than my fingers could ever go).

...
so the pos outweighs the neg, by a lot. i didn't need to make the list to see that, it's just there were a few things i originally listed with the neg that i had to edit and change to the pos.
it's so funny to think to myself, "some of the things that plagued me all my life have gone away!" and then finding them again when i am "back to normal."
like insomnia. it is a part of who i am. the fact that it went away should have alerted me something was wrong. i had become lethargic. i had become numb. i was no longer experiencing PMS!
Insomnia, like PMS are somewhat inconvenient. but they have their plus sides too. I didn't realize how little i was feeling until i started feeling again. it sucks that i can't sleep, but here i am finding the time to write- something i've been missing from my life for a while now.
one of these days the story will come to me. unfortunately it's not IN me, but OUTSIDE me. i have to find that damn thing. and if that means i won't sleep some nights, so be it.
well, that's it for tonight. i might be able to sleep. maybe after a shag. mr. k is snoring, but i think he's had enough of a kip it won't bother him ...

Country girl in the city...

2008-01-07T19:28:00.000-08:00

What a trip!

Southwest terminal 4 A @ 2:00 AM. note how empty it is. our flight was supposed to leave at 8:40 PM. after 4 1/2 hours delay, at least i was able to stretch out on all three seats and have a kip. i arrived home at 4AM. but i digress- it was a GREAT trip. weird, too, so many people in LA! so many weird noises at night!

My Cousin, the real reason i went to California for such a short trip! her baby shower. not such a good photo of her belly, but a great one of her. she looks like a mom. I guess this is what people mean when they say a new mom is "glowing." Looking at all the shots of her she looks in such a tired daze. but she also looks really happy. I guess that's what it takes to be a mom- you have to really want it to be able to put up with all of it i suppose...

The three of us. there were so many cameras we didn't know which one to look at. i hope mom got a good one, all three from my camera are crappy. this one was the best. so the three of us grew up together, like sisters. J is the first to procreate. prospect of grandchildren seems dim for my mom... neither myself nor my sister got the mom gene for some reason!

A tender moment... caught on film...

It was so nice to finally meet the person that has stolen my best friend's heart. as you can see from the photo, they are absolutely twitterpated with each other. and didn't even know i was taking the photo! bwa haha.

chrispy! just about to be amazed at the amount of food i could shift.

Yes, well, we think you're gorgeous, anyway.

I regret to admit i did not get any photos of two of the wonderful people i saw, yet we spent a lovely evening playing rummikub. T3 has obviously been practicing! after three rounds, she had one point. (which is good). i came in second, with something like 35. Marz must have been letting us win!

debut in tombstone

2007-12-29T15:07:00.000-08:00

Well here i am, i mean, here is Hattie Earp singing her little heart out to her beau, Tom McLaury. what a lovely moment. It was an experience- i had three days to memorize all my lines and learn two lines of a song. which turned out funny as i couldn't find a recording of the song while i was at work and didn't have time to get it from home. this meant i actually learned the tune of the song about an hour before going on stage. the first night, i don't think i sang the real words. ah well, i enjoyed myself- and made some new friends as well. i realized i hadn't been onstage since i was in college and i really missed it. i also remembered what fun it was to hang out with actors. movie references, quick quips, and all kinds of inside jokes. also mom and my sister were able to see one of the performances- which happend to be on her birthday. then we all went to karaoke... more fun.

Happy Birthday to me!

2007-12-21T06:51:00.000-08:00

thank you all who called me on my b-day. only i was in class and couldn't answer the phone!
i did have a great birthday- except for my lame ass boss coming into my room (stalker!) to give me my negative report. but whatever, he has to do his job too.
the kids were all really sweet. i had a good day at school and then went to lunch with the people i like from work at my fav restaurant (meesh and marz, you know this one- La Casita!) yummy. only i filled up on appetizers and i still have my chili relleno for later. but that's a good thing. of course they tried to embarrass me by having the staff singing happy birthday and bringing me an ice cream. of course i was eating it up (the attention)
took a nap under my desk after lunch and met my carpool buddy. she brought a birthday gift and good news: looser pants, the guy that crossed the wires and fried my Xterra, is not joining us for this class. whooo hooo! this means we don't have to point out to him all his pitfalls and put him on team probation. he might join our class at a later date... but i hope not.
got home and the mr. was waiting up for me! so sweet. he wanted to see me on my birthday. so we stayed up a little while and just milled around a bit (i need to chill after the car ride anyway, can't ever go to sleep straight away).
my voice was bad last night, but better this morning. i will be able to do the show! however, Hattie will have a phone-sex-operator voice and the few lines of Pinafore will NOT be opera.

On the stage again....

2007-12-19T08:06:00.000-08:00

Well, Doc Holliday has asked me to play Hattie in the place of miss *M* this weekend as she will be away in oregon for xmas. so we went to his place last night to pick up the scripts. i still have no voice. so i have dutifully outlined my lines and cues and am practicing (in my head) with the use of an index card so i can't peek. i've also looked for a recording of "sorry her lot" from HMS Pinafore as i will be singing the first few lines from the song as well.
of course, all of this conjecture hinges on whether i will have a voice with which to sing and speak.
the good news is that there are many Hatties- and miss *M* is the only one who can sing opera. all the other girls sing it badly, and get the laugh. so here's my quandry: assuming i have any voice at all by friday, do i attempt opera and maybe sound weak? or do i go the whole lucille ball route? i guess it'll all depend on how i feel when i get there.
so back to the voice. i have never lost it this thoroughly before! i mean, not even a squeak. i can't even laugh- i sound like the wicked witch of the west.
so i have three days of not speaking to hope for recovery! doc says they could do the show without Hattie... but it would not be as good. regardless, he's written another show that he's asked me to be a part of. so the acting career continues in the middle of the desert!

xterra news

2007-12-18T11:47:00.000-08:00

the radio didn't work, but it would have cost more than the refund to send it back. so last week i was driving home from tucson with the cruise control on (to keep from speeding!) and the O/D light started flashing on the dash. i got off the fwy with about 45 minutes to go and wasn't sure what was going on. then the seatbelt and airbag lights started flashing as well. After a while, the dash lights (and the headlights as well) until i was driving down hwy 90 at midnight with no lights. but i just had to get into the wal-mart parking lot. the engine stopped when we pulled into the parking spot. i called the Mr. to let him know. he went to p/u the terra in the morning and somehow managed to get it all running again. also he figured out what he was doing wrong when testing the stereo- now i have a radio and cd player. neat-o

It's been a while...

2007-12-18T09:28:00.000-08:00

here's a summary of what's been happenin' in the last month or so:

i am back at work after three weeks of stress leave promted by an inadequate boss and my opinion that i could change a broken system. my blood pressure is back to normal and i've promised myself i would return to work only on the condition that i didn't get involved in politics.

the burn healed really well. i only have white spots and no scarring. even on my foot where all the skin came off a week later.

the mr. and i are still talking it out. the other night we went over a lot of things from the past. i know he didn't want to hear it, but i needed to get it out. afterward he told me he felt empty. i told him that was good, that he was feeling angry and empty was better. i thought it was a good description of how one feels after hashing something out.

my impotent supervisor (did i say impotent? wrong word, hmmmmmmm. inadequate?) gave me a negative review and told me he needed to go over it with the principal. whoop dee doo. i didn't react and he got all nervous when i didn't have anything to say about it. i wanted to tell him i wasn't going to be here next year anyway so he could stop trying to get me fired and waste his time elsewhere. but i didn't want to waste my breath. wanker.

i have the phone number of the principal of the high school in my town. i had my reasons for not wanting to work there, but my needs have changed. it will be a drop in pay, but it's also costing me $200 a month to drive to SV. and i can't stand my job. i'm gonna miss the kids, though.

oh, when i got back from my 3 week vacation (with no sick days left!) my favorite senior was all of a sudden pregnant. she had been in denial for about five months. yikes. she is having a healthy baby girl even with no prenatal care. ah the folly of youth.

we have adopted two shelter kitties, one little boy and one mama. the boy is called eric and climbs up on my shoulder to sit like a parrot. the mama is coming home on my birthday.

I met a new friend during karaoke one night. *M* she turned out to be a really cool chica. a month into our friendship her bf kicked her out of the trailer so she is now renting our 5th wheel. she's going to study opera at the U of A in a year. she's in the shootout at the OK corral show three nights a week.

went to the cast xmas party with *M* last night and Doc Holliday, the director, asked me to play *M*'s part while she is in Oregon for xmas this weekend... i said yes!

so i have three days to learn lines, cues, and a song. whoa.

here is what our new house looks like so far:

btw...

2007-11-28T22:04:00.000-08:00

forgot to mention mr. k was able to fix the sexterra. yay! only the radio was fried and he was able to wire it so it starts and stuff.
he also bought me a new stereo off ebay and will be installing it when it arrives :)
yay again.

wow. it has been a long time.

2007-11-28T21:46:00.000-08:00

almost a month since my last post. so much has happend!
I had a mini nervous breakdown. On the friday after my last post, i went to the dr. and found my blood pressure to be quite high. we talked about work and the stress there and she suggested i start taking some anxiety medication and i asked for a couple of weeks off work.
so i slept a lot, ate a lot, and studied a lot.
Rode the horses, not as much as i would have liked to (it's amazing how time gets away from you!) weirdest thing is i still haven't been getting things done in a timeley manner. i seem to be skulking around a lot and doing nothing and occasionally watching tv or a movie.
it's been ok, though.
but nothing's changed at work and i know that. i'm going back to the same place i left. the only thing i can change is my perception- i can't get involved in the politics anymore. sure everything has to change, but i can't be the catalyst anymore. obviously, i'm the wrong person for that position. i'm to passionate about it, i take it too personally. i feel all my bosses are stupid because they can't see what i can see: the whole system is wrong. so what made me thing i could singlehandedly take on a government body and win? education is in a mess and i can't fix it. i don't even really have all the answers. i thought i did, but that would take participation on the part of some people that don't want responsibility for change.
i can't get involved in this bullshit anymore- it's not my battle anyway. all i can do is show up for work every day (i've used up all my sick time + personal leave!) and do what i can for the few kids i can personally reach in the time i have. i must avoid confrontations and leave everything at work when i go home.
and what about next year? i've considered a teaching position in tombstone- or in a private school. or maybe on base? at least they pay well. I've also considered chucking it all and going back to substitute teaching while i get my degree. at least then i could study while i'm working... and i wouldn't have to preare for anything.
i've also considered working as a waitress again... but that is far too much toil for far too little pay. i've got that tee-shirt, and now i live in a tourist town with a tourist season- one which ends when my school year does. the likelyhood of getting a decent job then is slim-to-none.
if i can keep my head down, maybe i can just show up to work and do my job and ignore everything that doesn't work. it's possible. people do it every day for many years.
i'll concentrate on my studies; i'll keep focused on that. pretty soon i'll be licensed as a counselor and i can start to look for new positions. for my new career...

More more more!

2007-11-09T17:26:00.000-08:00

So my rotten weekend didn't end there. i had to go to work on tuesday and thursday. although i took wednesday off to write my paper, i wasn't able to finish because i had the hosted the sorority at my house. (which was the only wonderful thing that happend all week!) so i tried to finish the paper on thursday during work. i was never able to get to it and i couldn't concentrate on it anyway. during my prep period i had an impromptu meeting with the union rep, Mr. H because he had been pulled aside by the principal, the linebacker, and asked his, Mr. H's, opinion about what to do to help our situation. Mr. H advised the linebacker that the best thing to do would be to have a meeting including all concerned and "thrash it out." although he did use this terminology with the linebacker, Mr. H did later amend his comment to mean, "work it out." Mr. H wanted to let us know that the Brass was ready to meet and confer so we needed to set up a meeting.
I did manage to finish the paper, although it was no where near my best work. i was having so much trouble concentrating. i was in such a state of insanity when i left my car at the meeting spot i worried the entire class that i had left the doors unlocked and the windows down.
class went well.
when we arrived back in SorryVista, i found my car stone cold dead. i had left the lights on. poo. for those who don't know me well, this is one my signature tricks. so i stopped one of the people i share ride with, a 59 "years young" ex park ranger. the ranger happend to have jumber cables in his truck. we parked the cars nose to nose, he connected his end and i mine. nothing happend. no lights. no noise. no start. then there was the acrid smoke out from under the dashboard. oh that's not good. i called the Mr. and woke him from a sleep. he told me we'd got the wires crossed and there was nothing for it. he'd come get me straightaway and pick up the sexterra in the morning.
we got home 1:30 AM. i dutifully set my alarm for 5:00 and took a sedative.
this morning, i drove the black and white truck to work. mr. k followed me there and soon after i got the word, it is as we feared. the main fuse is blown. the sexterra is dead. A moment of silence please...
on tuesday, we will be registering one of the white aerostar vans, which will become the new d-mobile. I will transfer my "BAD GIRL" front plate, cowgirl antenna bobble, and mr. happy hitch cover.
I was convinced that i needed to see a doctor about the burn, so i did go to the doc today. She said it was doing fine, to keep doing what i was doing for it.
my blood pressure was 138/92.
I told what was going on at work (bad leadership; lack of support; lack of services neccesary to meet IEP's; lack of communication; bad administrators micro-managing, etc.) and immediately burst into tears as i have been prone to do for the past week or so. i walked out of there with some pills and a doctor's note to take some time off work.I'm not sure how much time it will be until the paperwork goes through, but it will be at least three weeks. i thought you all had the right to know/ not hear about it from someone else/ hear the "real" story.I'm going to spend my time concentrating on my master's program, relaxing in the spa, and watching my new house grow out of the ground.
Love you all,
me

why me?

2007-11-06T20:57:00.001-08:00

the retorical question one asks oneself when one has a no good, terrible, very bad day. especially when said day streches out through the weekend.
friday afternoon:
driving home from work. albiet, not responsibly. i live in the middle of nowhere! i could navigate these roads in my sleep. so i tend to do irrepsonsible things while driving. things that admittedly take my attention away from driving- but only for a moment. well, apparently a moment is all it takes. i can still see the gold chevy silverado sliding past me in a too-perfect arc. i can see the looks on the faces of the driver and passenger as the truck passes me only inches away. if either one of us turned to the left or the right- well, it would have been more than just a warning, wouldn't it? we both stopped, backs to each other, for a moment. there is no established courtesy for a near-miss... it is not a hit and run if there is no hit, no? when he pulled off on his way, i did too. i will never forget how close i came. i haven't had an accident since new year's day 2004. and by accident, i mean irresponsibility in sharp focus. so no more texting while driving. i get the message. thank you.
but it wasn't enough.
friday evening:
the mr. and i were just settling down to enjoy a brand new series just shipped from england- the first episode in a brand new series not yet available in the states. i thought i would just make some iced tea, so it would be ready by morning. the creation of iced tea in my household involves placing several green tea bags in a lovely iced tea pitcher in which i have brewed for many years. in fact, it was the same pitcher my grandma used to brew iced tea for my pa. i pickep up the electric kettle (as it had the good sense to boil just as the openening credits rolled) and began to pour the contents over the waiting teabags. i think i got it about half full (four cups or so) when it burst. scalding hot water all over the place. at first, i didn't believe i got hit. i was in shock, and felt no pain. then my left foot began to register in my brain, and i had all these conflicting thougts running through my head. simple bits of trivia, from my past. an old friend of my husbands who had scars on his head from a boiling kettle and always wore a hat. a morsel i must have picked up in chemistry class, that boiling water can only reach 212 degrees before it turns into steam. and then mr. k's shouting, from some distance, "get your pants off!" for some reason, it was important for me to move my purse out of the way of the water no longer spilling off the counter. i peeled off my pants and socks and stood there, what next?
i knew i had to cool it off. i knew ice would be too extreme. i stood in the shower with the cold water on me for a while. i've never liked the cold water on me, it felt strange, how much i liked it. when i got out of the water, i was uncomfortable, but i was cold and uncomfortable in it. i finally settled for a sweater, and legs only in the water.
the worst of the burn is on my right thigh. second degree burns for sure. a great blister on my left foot burst, so now i have the added irritation of an open sore to add to my litany of burns.
and it didn't end there.
Saturday morning:
i couldn't think of wearing shoes, even flip flops were well out of the question, with the burned area on the top of my foot and reacing into between my toes. i shuffled around the house for a while, but the cold that had been waiting, lurking at the back of my throat finally leapt out to center stage, what with all my antibodies busy dealing with the burned areas of my skin. so i gave into the exhaustion. i slept most of saturday and sunday- both days i had previously given to writing the paper that is looming due on thursday evening.
Monday morning:
going to work was out the question. i could not wear shoes at all and didn't want to. i'd already missed a party i was looking forward to on saturday evening, so why should i care about going to work? besides. i had a paper to write. and about 500 pages to read. study study study- i could at least stay up for that. but still, not finished: my little kitten bitten did not come in for breakfast this morning. not good.
Monday evening:
i was in tears and inconsolable. not only was my baby still missing, but i could make no sense of the writing prompt. myself and the older cat took turns patrolling outside and calling her name, to no avail. i was frustrated with the work, tired, sick, and mourning. nothing for it, i had to go for a short horse ride with the mr. we went to the mailbox and back.
Tuesday morning:
i guess i had to go to work today, i had agreed to meet up with my study group. the meeting place was my class, after school. the meeting was important, and if i had to drive all the way out there, why not put in a day. i wasn't that sick after all.
Tuesday evening:
i had spent most of the day hobbling around like an old fat woman. i could not believe how much a burn takes out of a person. it doesn't look like much, anymore. the blisters are all gone. it doesn't even hurt- so why is it taking so much from me? I'm not going in tomorrow. it's just too exhausting and besides, i have a paper to write...

Halowe'en!

2007-11-02T16:15:00.000-07:00

My Favorite holiday, and this year a record three costumes in three different venues:

First, there was Daisy Duke and Cooter for the Sorority Bash:

The theme of this party was "famous people" and they could be real or imagined. Even Mr. K had a really good time and I even got him to play BUNKO. anyone who knows him knows exactly how he feels about participating in games.

Then, a more innocuous wind-up doll for school:

I was surprised at how many of the kids actually got it. some girls came up to me and asked me what i was "supposed to be." without a word, i turned away from them so they could see the key- they both squealed, "oh how CUTE!" some of the othe kids thought i was a toy from "chitty chitty bang bang," but it's been at least 20 years since i've seen that movie so i can't picture it.

And finally, a lusty pirate wench for the Halowe'en-party at the Crystal Palace:

We won second prize in the costume contest (when i say "we" I mean there were three of us) i'm still working on getting to know everyone in tombstone.

Here's the beautiful lady *M. Once again, surrounding myself with actors (because they are so fun!) PS she made the dress. The blue bit is her corset poking through as she couldn't be bothered to close all the frogs on the dress (and what self-respecting pirate wench would?)

And the final third of our winning costume combination:

Let's just call him doc, because that's who he plays in the OK corral show. Honestly, he looks just like Holliday. and he does an incredible captain jack sparrow as well.

And finally, my favorite photo of the evening, a self-portrait taken while we spun on the dance floor...

Yes, that is my Chaveleh wig...

The Great Escape

2007-10-30T09:17:00.000-07:00

i haven't spent an entire day doing absolutely nothing in a long time. i had taken friday as a "mental health" day, and thought why not round out the weekend by being home as well. i woke up late, fed the animals, then spent the rest of the day pissing about on myspace. i had forgotten what a vortex that place could be! i realized i'd had the exact same page for two years with only minor exceptions. i had finally changed the background to something other than monkey-puke green, and i was looking around on youtube for something interesting. about three hours later, i was still in there laughing my head off. i needed that. i can't include any links, as the district blocks youtube, but i did find some interesting tidbits- in addition to the classic lego rendition of "Camelot" sung by the monty pythons, there was also a hillarious star trek version. The armless and legless knight from the same movie spoke like darth vader and fought king arthur with a light sabre. there were some infusions between harry potter and south park which i found mildly amusing. i also found about five minute's worth of some bedroom boy swinging what looked to be a curtain rod around like a staff (and he wasn't very good- i think he hit the camera). suffice it to say, there is a lot of material out there when one is in need of some wasted time. mr. k could not believe that every time he came again into the house, there i was, cackling away...
so here i am, back at the grind. and not happy at all. my incompetent monkey-boss is once again showing himself to be twice the idiot he was the minute before. if he would just... nevermind. like my fellow teacher, the fireman, always tells me, i can't worry about what i can't change. what are we, in some dememnted 12 step program? of course i can change this- i can quit my job and do something else. i can't change the fact that the school employs incompitent administrators, i can't change the fact that he is a weasley little man with no balls, but i can change my situation. and if i don't, i'm going to explode. i have never been so stressed out about work. i don't make enough to have hives and panic attacks. i'm leaving the profession because the end no longer justifies the means for me- but i have to wait so long to be certified in the next field...
ive considered taking a job bartending while i am in school again. when i had the idea, it seemed like a really good one. i liked bartending, i liked waitressing. and i could make a good amount of tips, and i'd be home more, and i could work on my studying and work on my home life. maz asked me if i would be happy doing that, if that's what i wanted to do. and i avoided answering the question. of course it's what i wanted- it was my idea after all- but i thought why didn't i answer her? there must be a reason. well, it would be hard work. of course i know that. but i wouldn't take it home with me, and i wouldn't worry about it. i would have to give up some social events that would conflict with my schedule, but that would only be temorary, and soon i would be looking for a job in the counseling field. and then i thought about the counseling field itself- why couldn't i get a job somewhere in the industry where i wouldn't have to be licensed?
there's so many options available and i think i'm going too fast. i burst into tears when i got here this morning. some of the other teachers were sure i had quit and would not be returning. i have a meeting with the principal in nineteen minutes. we'll see if that gets me anywhere!

Luna

2007-10-25T21:31:00.000-07:00

i don't really understand why it is so different here in the desert than it was in the city. or why it is so much more pronouced in the winter than in the summer. i took an astonomy class in college for a maths credit. besides baking my noodle on many different occasions, i did learn that the atmosphere presents different views of the cosmos at different times in different places. but still, i was no prepared for this.

the full moon is one million times brighter in the desert. it is one million times closer in the winter. last year, i was here alone. and as much as i loathe the cold, i was wandering around in the wintery air (there is no fall, nor spring in the desert. the summer and winter have battle during the transition- one will always win out, but there remains no in-between. it is either hot or cold here). i would wander out and see the animals practicing their night moves.

perhaps the city has too many lights. perhaps the difference between the full and new moon were never so pronounced before as they are now. but it is amazing how much brighter everything is- the light comes in the window- it is not exactly dark, and not exactly light. there is an eerie something about the full moon nights here. something drives my fascination with the moon...

mr. k would call it madness. he mentioned tonight again his theory about the moon driving women's madness. i reminded him that he should not make such generalizations of women- just on account of one mad cow he encountered. i've found my voice at the very least. i no longer hold my tounge when he says things out of line. and he doesn't round on me anymore... i think he's learning what it means to be a husband. and i a wife...

does anyone else remember senior year? i have a lot of seniors this year. in may, they will walk that thin blue line and leave me for the last time. today, one of my senoirs referred to me as a "friend" in front of her mom, her sister, her counselor, and her psychologist. i told her that she can call me anytime at the school and talk to me if she needs to. she's not the only one. these are kids i regard as my own, and i am a part of their lives on some level. they are the reasons i'm leaving teaching- because i might make a better counselor.

and i'm scared. i was reading and studying and trying to write a piddly two page paper when i realized i can't do this anymore. i'm too maxed out in my job. how can i possibly expect to study in this environment? when i am too exhausted to understand psych journals and textbooks? i've broached the subject with the mr. and he would support me in anything i do. i am nearly at the point of quitting my job and getting a position bartending... it would be stress i didn't have to take home with me, i would get to look cute at work and make some money on account of my "personality." i won't be able to do that forever...

when it rains, it pours. but do me a favor, go out side and look at the moon. i am sorry if it is not as beautiful for you as it is for me, but like i said before, i never did appreciate it until i moved into the middle of nowhere...

You've found me!

2007-10-23T07:55:00.000-07:00

new page, new nickname, new outlook.
i like to think everything happens for a reason. it has been my experience that it does.
a comedy of errors involving numerous factors existing only in the cyber-world has led to the demise of my old blog. but just like the phoenix rising from the ashes, again and again, the change is for the better.
i didn't realize i was stuck in a rut (metaphorically as well as literally) by the old version i was running. it's silly, but i blamed my ineptitude for the fact that i was never able to divine how to put a title on every entry. it turns out something went amiss when i switched from the old version to the beta version. all of the features, missing in my old blog, have suddenly appeared and eased my use.
as for the new nickname, i can't speak to the origin- it was bestowed upon me. perhaps blogger randomly assigns nicknames? i am aware that i have the ability to change the nickname, but i'm already keen on it. lucky... hey, why not?
new outlook? it seems my whole life just turned around and looked at me and said, "are you paying attention?" it would appear i was not. but i am now. standing up for what i need and the walls i have been running into for the past seven years seem to be shimmering a little. maybe with time, i'll be able, at least, to see through them. in my haste to realize what i'd been missing, i forgot all about the fact that there are still two people responsible for the happiness in my relationship. there is still so much to cover and it's going to be a long road ahead.
i have an appointment with a therapist for next friday morning. the mr. won't be joining me- he absolutely refuses to open himself up to a stranger (consider how long it took him to open up to a wife!) but he is willing to work with me on whatever project the counselor gives me. it will be unorthodox, sure. i wonder if anyone has ever tried couples therapy with just one person? maybe it's not as uncommon as i think. at the very least i'll have someone out of the loop to bounce my ideas off.
last week i felt trapped. i felt there was no way out... i couldn't speak to him because i didn't know what to say. when i finally spoke i said all the wrong things. i really was surprised to find he is willing to work with me, willing to change even, so we can both be happy. i had talked myself so thoroughly into misery that i wasn't thinking how much i do love him, enjoy spending time with him. while there are many things i'm not happy about, i'm relieved to know there is hope. we can work on this, and he's willing to. it hasn't been solved in a weekend, i have to keep telling myself that. because things are so nice right now... i know he's capable of changing on a moment's notice. there's so much more we haven't talked about. going to a counselor will keep me on track, give me a schedule.